Posts about Recovery

Learning the Ropes

“Am I allowed a different type of my breakfast food?,” I asked my sponsor a couple of weeks after joining FA. (I had eaten it that morning.) “You have 50 pounds to lose,” she said. “Just have the regular kind.” She paused and said, “Why? Have you eaten it already? “No,” I said. I was surprised that the lie had slipped out of my mouth before I had time to even consider a response. That was the first time I realized it was more important to me to appear to be doing well rather than to actually be doing well. It didn’t matter how awful I felt as long as people thought, “She’s got great recovery.” I believed that would make people like me better, which would make me like myself better. So I continued on my quest to hit the magic number of 90 days of abstinence, but it... Continue Reading



Recovery Climb

Most of my life, I’ve not been athletic.  The only reason I exercised was to lose weight or to counteract my most recent binge. It was all about burning calories or toning, and I didn’t really enjoy the effort or experience. When I came into FA I was 52 years old, 200 pounds, depressed, and beginning what I thought was to be a lifetime of worsening arthritis. My joints and the high arches of my feet were hurting, and I resigned myself to a steady decline. I didn’t think there was another choice until I was lead, by the grace of God, to FA. I lost my weight in 11 months and settled on 123 lbs on my 5’4″ frame. It was nothing short of a miracle that all my arthritis pain disappeared completely. I was at my goal weight for a few months when an older, overweight co-worker asked... Continue Reading



Degree of Hope

On my drive home from college after graduation, I felt full of self-loathing, disappointment, and despair. The drive took longer than usual because I had to pull over a few times to get my sobbing under control. My despair was overwhelming and the only thing that could relieve it was food, so I stopped several times at fast food drive-thrus. I couldn’t really connect that food might be the cause of my despair. I read in the Big Book recently something that sums up my attitude at the time: “To my way of thinking, booze (and in my case, food) had been the answer to my problems – not the problem itself.” I had thought a college degree would transform me into the happy person I so desperately wanted to be, and there I was, feeling the same old misery and disappointment in myself that I had carried for as... Continue Reading



Inside Solution

I walked into my first FA meeting ten years ago and saw five people in the room. There was no back row where I could hide, with my stuffed stomach and agonized nerves. I had just had a several day out-of-control-binge. The women  spoke about the fact that they loved this program and enjoyed being in  healthy, normal-sized bodies. They had that glow in their eyes. I had a normal-sized body, too, but boy did I hate it. I still can’t recall why I came back to those small meetings that you hardly could call a group. I knew lots of larger Twelve-Step groups and thought that something must be wrong with this program, when so few people attended a meeting. On the other hand, I felt that I needed help with my suicidal food intake. I also can’t recall what made me, after five meetings, shyly ask a member... Continue Reading



Falling for FA

I remember the day like it was yesterday instead of almost 15 years ago, when one of my greatest fears about being a morbidly obese middle-aged woman came to pass. I had been living in constant fear of falling and not being able to get up, with nobody around to help me. It happened at the office restroom. I stood up and was unable to walk or even move. The pain in my knee was unbearable. I was stuck in the stall. All the years of being obese had worn away the cartilage in my knees. I used a cane to walk, but I left my cane back in my office on the other side of the floor. It was mid-morning, and co-workers were in meetings. I waited for someone to come into the restroom. I finally had to shout for help. It was so embarrassing. Everyone was rushing around... Continue Reading