In the few months before my first night in FA, I was full of good intentions, even asking God to help me to be “a good girl” throughout the day. I told myself each day that this was the day when I would begin to eat moderately—only when I was hungry. I reasoned that if I only ate when I was hungry, I might lose weight. As I was half-retired, working only mornings, I would come home, have a nap, and wake up around 3 p.m. ravenously hungry. The piddly crap I had eaten at lunch was long gone. Then I would walk up to the snack drawer, where we kept an arsenal of food that would have landed any squirrel in heaven. I would stand there and say to myself, “Okay, this is the point where I need self control. Help me God.” But my stomach would be rumbling,... Continue Reading
Before coming into FA, I really thought that all I needed was a bigger bathtub. I had convinced myself of this after I had risen from the tub and a large tidal wave gushed down the drain. It was like a miniature Niagara Falls. At that moment, I told myself, I’ve outgrown this tub. It was then that I came up with the grand idea: I’ll get a larger one, perhaps a garden tub. I remember weighing myself shortly afterwards. I was 51 years old, 5’8 tall,” and I weighed 289 pounds, just eleven pounds short of 300. “Grossly obese,” the charts stated. As I stood in front of the mirror, I asked myself: What happened? How did I gain all this weight? As far back as I can remember, I’ve always loved sugary foods. As a small child, I craved them, even though very few sweets were kept in... Continue Reading
I am sitting in the library at Monterey Institute of International Studies in Monterey, CA, studying Spanish for an intensive eight-week program. When they said “intensive” they were not joking! We have class for over four hours a day, followed by hours of homework every night. In addition, we are encouraged to join conversation groups, watch Spanish films, and stream Spanish TV and radio through the Internet. While my housemate (also in the Spanish program) and I were driving to Yosemite for the weekend, we listened to Spanish CDs for hours. Today at a potluck for the language students—where I brought my beautiful weighed-and-measured lunch, and no one blinked twice—I met five Spaniards and we’re going hiking tomorrow in Big Sur State Park. I have a dreamy life for which I am grateful. I describe these amazing things happening in my life now, because there is no way I would... Continue Reading
Two months after finding FA, I went on a Caribbean cruise with some women from an organization to which I belong. The trip had been planned many months before I came into FA. With great trepidation, and a determination to remain abstinent, I walked up the gangplank not really sure that it was possible to cruise and be abstinent. My sponsor had assured me that this was not only possible, but that I’d have a good time. Still, I wasn’t so sure. I was anxious as we entered the ship’s buffet for our first meal on board. I really wanted to protect what I’d found in FA. I did a lot of walking, trying to assess exactly where “my food” was located. I found, with great relief, that appropriate food was everywhere, albeit sprinkled throughout this cavernous room from one end to the other. For one evening meal near the... Continue Reading
The clock read 3 a.m. I couldn’t believe it. How was I awake? And why was I arguing with my boyfriend again? Hadn’t we said, just a month ago, that we would get married? But we were having yet another argument about my FA program. This man did not support my recovery! He questioned whether I would always have to go to meetings, and he gave me a hard time about having to stop to eat at meal times. “I just want to hop on a motorcycle and not have to stop for lunch,” he blurted out one day. “Wow,” is all I could say. I was two years into my recovery in FA, but I didn’t feel the calm or peace I had started to enjoy. I was angry, upset, and full of fear. The clock rolled to 3:30 a.m. and I felt famished. I realized I needed G-d’s... Continue Reading
