Posts about Bulimia

Feeling the Pinch

After 14 years of binging and purging almost every day, and despite the overwhelming shame and guilt I felt about these things, I finally confided in a friend that I had a problem with food. I remember feeling instant relief after telling her. She told me about FA. I went to my very first FA meeting a day after confiding in my friend. There was a beautiful woman speaking at the front of a room filled with about forty people. I don’t remember much about what she said except that she did not eat flour or sugar. It took a little while for that to sink into my brain, as I could not imagine such a thing being possible. At the break, I asked the woman sitting next to me if she ever ate flour or sugar. She gently and lovingly replied, “I do not eat it—one day at a... Continue Reading



Planet Grief

My brother’s voice sounded calm and clear when he said, “Our mother was found dead in her garden yesterday.” I stopped cutting vegetables. “Dead? What do you mean … dead?” I responded, “No, This is impossible. She was fine when she was here four weeks ago.” My brother said that he didn’t know what happened, but that she was, in fact, dead. I hung up and a dark and heavy cloud engulfed me that would stay with me for another year. Mom! My mom… My mom and I had a very ambivalent relationship. It has never been easy. Memories of a lifetime relationship with mom flooded my mind. The day she beat me up when I was 17. The day she had laughed out loud about my breasts when I was 14. The day she took me to the hospital after I had taken an overdose. Our relationship had become... Continue Reading



Leaving Dishonesty Behind

I was 24, and I had struggled with bulimia, drugs, and alcohol for over 10 years. I left home at 14 and moved to a big city to live with my sister. I instantly gravitated to the darker side of life. I spent more time partying than studying. I couldn’t focus in school, and my food addiction led to drug use and daily bingeing and purging. I increasingly became more rageful, angry, and negative as my disease progressed. My diagnosed depression had led to my using anti-depressants at age 16. After graduating from college, the party was finally over. I had recently split my pants while bowling, and I officially felt fat. The bulimia stopped working, and every weekend I looked forward to escaping by smoking pot and getting drunk. I was in financial debt and felt like my world was slowly caving in.  I was negative, depressed, and purposeless.... Continue Reading



Eating Humble Pie

I have never been a very humble person. I was the oldest in my family and as the first baby, I was adored by everyone. I got very good grades, got the lead in school plays, and was told by many adults how wonderful I was. This did not do much to grow my humility bone. When my father passed away when I was only 10 years old, my friends’ parents were amazed at how well I continued to achieve in school. I rarely missed any days of school and continued to get perfect grades. (I wasn’t above cheating to maintain the appearance of my perfect grades.) But all this high achieving early in life set up a major character defect to take root —perfection. I began to feel that if I couldn’t be perfect, I was nothing. This became a breeding ground for my food addiction to blossom. I... Continue Reading



Accepting Addiction

I came into FA two years ago. I knew my relationship with food was warped and that I looked at food differently from the way other people did. I had tried several other Twelve-Step programs that dealt with food and I found some recovery, but never really “got it.” I thought of myself as a compulsive overeater, an emotional eater, and a bulimic. I knew I used food to stuff down feelings. I knew I was powerless over my emotions and the people around me, but I never thought of being powerless over food. It was easier to accept the diagnosis of the medical community that I was over-sensitive, bipolar, and that I needed anti-depressants. The medication helped with the mood swings, but they never helped with how I used food. I came into FA weighing around 367 pounds. The minute I walked into my first meeting, I knew that... Continue Reading