A Story of Recovery:

Dreaming about Food


I am almost two years into program, with over seven months of abstinence.  I have lost my weight and am feeling good. Fundamentally, all is well. But then, some stress over work comes up, and I find myself eating mouthfuls of flour and sugar, and then deciding I just won’t tell my sponsor! Thankfully, I am having a “food dream.” Or, rather, a nightmare! I wake up in a cold sweat with my heart racing.

The images of picking up and eating the very things I know can destroy me and send me spiraling back down into my addictive thinking and eating patterns was definitely nothing short of a nightmare – a floury, sugary, food nightmare.

I know now that when I am experiencing anxiety in my day-to-day life, negative thoughts and fears start to creep in. These things are powerful and manifest themselves in my subconscious thoughts.

I guess these sorts of dreams are valuable because when I wake up scared, I have to mindfully check my program to be sure I am diligently working all my tools. Am I being honest about what is really going on in my life? Am I talking with my sponsor and my fellows about these things?  Am I talking about things I may not want to talk about?  Am I keeping my food simple and not over-complicating things?

I am glad today that the thoughts and dreams (and nightmares!) of food scare me, because I know that if I am ever to take that bite or that one lick of a spoon or my finger, I’m a goner. It’s that simple.

The gift of abstinence is nothing short of a dream come true for this food addict.  For twenty years, I have struggled with food, bulimia, over-exercising, and obsession with trying to control my weight. Today, I am living the miracle: I don’t have to do any of those things. I ask God for help, work the tools of this Program (all of them, not some of them — I know today I cannot pick and choose my own program), and I weigh and measure my abstinent meals one day at a time. My life is increasingly filled with happiness, sanity, and usefulness to others.  Thank you, God, for the “sweet” dream of abstinence!

 

This story was originally published in the Connection Magazine. Subscribe to the Connection Magazine for more stories of recovery. Or submit your own story of recovery.