A Story of Recovery:
Itinerary Without Indulgence
The bags are packed. I just need to put my toothbrush in my bag before leaving for my first trip to Thailand. I have been in FA for some years now, and I know that the reason I will be able to enjoy this trip to the fullest is because I am bringing my recovery with me.
In the past, a vacation was an excuse to eat. I wanted to “reward” myself with excess – excess food, excess drink, excess sloth. I would think: I had worked hard, didn’t I deserve it? On past vacations, I often thought of the new places I was visiting as a good way to diet. I thought that, after all, maybe of these other countries wouldn’t have all the foods I was used to. In my mind, it was always good to have some circumstance that would keep me away from food.
Exercise was a huge part of my disease of food addiction, and I was a human “doing,” not a human “being.” I used to look forward to visiting small towns where I could walk around, but not because I loved walking or wanted to experience the sense of energy exploring new places. It was only because the more I walked, the more calories I could burn. I stayed busy, treating each trip as if it were my last chance to ever travel. I wanted to do it all and see every sight possible. I did not know how to relax. My idea of a good trip meant packing in as much as possible in as little time as possible.
These days I have a different viewpoint. On this trip to Thailand, we will stay in only two hotels over 18 days. I do not feel the need to move to a different hotel every night so I can cram as much travel in as possible. We will fully explore the towns we are visiting while staying long enough to really get to know the places.
On this trip, I will not hide from people from my past. I often hire babysitters so I can go to meetings, because my husband travels a lot. A few of my sitters were Thai students attending college in the States. I recently emailed them and found out that two of them have graduated and are now back in Thailand. They are thrilled to see us and have offered to show us around.
Before Program, I would have never had the courage to reach out to people from my past. I wouldn’t want to “trouble” them. I am so grateful that I am now open to the flow of life and to gifts that others have to offer.
In order to bring my recovery with me, I have made preparations. I printed off a list of the AA meetings and contacted an FA fellow to ask if I can go with him to a meeting. I calculated the time difference and set alarms in my iPhone to call my sponsor on time, and I have weighed and measured one-ounce packets of my morning grain. My sponsees have arranged for temp sponsors. My AA literature is loaded on my Kindle, and Skype is ready on my iPad.
What I have come to realize is that a vacation with my family is an opportunity to be present to make new memories with my family. It is no longer a time to escape the troubles of the world by indulging in excesses of all sorts. Indulgence like that was never freedom. I am so grateful for the next two weeks.