I had been around a program for people with food compulsions for a few years, and for a while could practice binge maintenance. I was essentially eating what I wanted for a couple of days and getting “abstinent” again (under eating, really) while over-exercising. As this became more and more difficult, I became more desperate. It was inevitable that without a real solution, I would start vomiting again. That part of my disease had progressed tremendously. I had heard about people working the FA program but did not feel that I was bad enough to have to do that. When the day came that I realized I was that bad, I was bitter and depressed. I was not happy to finally surrender to this program. I sat in the back of the rooms with my arms folded and hated everyone, especially myself. Thirty days. I was going to give this... Continue Reading
I come by addictions quite honestly. I was a sick baby, born to a young mother who was grieving the death of her mother. Mom would cry with me until she could no longer bear the competition. In desperation, she cut cheesecloth into small squares, placed a sweet and a pat of fat in the center, then twisted and tied the small package. Sugar tits, she called them. If I were especially colicky, she added a step, dipping the rough textured, but soft package, in alcohol. I learned to be soothed by this concoction and its delivery. Addictions assured. When Mom was angry with me, she withheld sweets. Once when I was punished, I offered her a nickel to allow me a piece of dessert. I remember her laughing, but then letting the transaction proceed. From then on, I would buy her favor with either money or obedience…until I started... Continue Reading
The most difficult suggestion for me was to put my recovery before my family, and my family before work. Work wasn’t an issue because I’m retired, but being a grandmother meant that my grandchildren came first in my heart and plans. After being abstinent for about a year, my daughter planned my granddaughter’s third birthday party. It was to be at their home in San Francisco, a three-hour drive from my home, on a Saturday at 11:00 a.m. My meeting is Saturday morning from 9:00 a.m. to 10:30 a.m., which meant I couldn’t get to the party until 1:30 p.m. at the earliest. When I explained this to my daughter, her response was thick with anger. “What? You are going to miss your only granddaughter’s third birthday?” Calmly, because I had gained a little serenity in FA, I responded, “I’ll be there, but a little late.” Her response was, “Mother,... Continue Reading
Before I found FA, I always thought that if something on the outside were different, I’d feel differently. There were a million “if onlys” relating to every single area of my life. If I weren’t overweight, people would like me, I would be popular, and I would have more friends. If I could fit into designer clothes, I’d be part of the “in” crowd and I’d have a boyfriend. Later on, I thought if only it were summer, I’d be happy. If only my mother had done it differently, I would be different. If only my friends would do as I suggested, I would feel differently or be a better friend. A few days ago, I was talking to my sponsor. As has been the case during many of our phone calls over the last few years, the subject was my husband’s career. Over two years ago, when we had... Continue Reading
I was enjoying a peaceful morning. I took my sponsee calls and sat down to enjoy my breakfast, when a text from my assistant came in. Her son was sick, and she had to take the day off to take care of him. I lost it! I am an activities director in a nursing home, so when my assistant is out, I have to take on all of the activities for the day. This was the first day I was going to have a day to myself in the office to do paperwork and get caught up from being out of for ten days on business and personal travel. That day (of course) was a big cultural celebration day with extra activities (and food) to celebrate the Chinese New Year. I had all sorts of unfriendly thoughts going through my mind. I could feel that I was either going to... Continue Reading
