A Story of Recovery:

Piercing the Veil of Denial

I’m not really a food addict—I have a few pounds to lose, but really I’m not like these people, I thought as I sat in the back of the room. That was two years and 35 pounds ago, 55 pounds from my highest weight, weight that I had been losing and gaining for 30 years on one diet after another. I knew I needed FA, but I really didn’t believe I was a food addict. I couldn’t see myself as I was. In fact, I got miffed when people jokingly insinuated that “we” could stand to lose a few pounds. How dare they put me in the same “fat boat” as they were in! I could clearly see where others needed to lose weight, but couldn’t see it in myself.

I was coming off yet another Weight Watcher’s jag when my sister joined FA. I thought that was great for her because I thought she needed FA. I, on the other hand, was on my own trying to maintain my “svelte” 150 pounds on a 5’3″ frame! I watched and applauded as she started to melt before my eyes. Then my other sister joined FA, and again I thought, Good for her, she needs it.  I was beginning to get a little worried though, because for the past 20 years, I had been the thin sister, and I was beginning to fear they might pass me going down while I went up. So, out of sheer vanity and an unwillingness to relinquish my spot as the thin sister, I went to my first FA meeting.

I really expected someone to come up and exclaim, “Goodness, you don’t need to be here, you’re too thin!” Not surprisingly, nobody came up and said I didn’t belong. I was completely embraced and treated as though it were perfectly natural for me to be there. I actually thought all those thin FA people were just jealous and didn’t want to admit that I looked just fine and didn’t really need their program.

I sat in the back, maintained my skepticism, and thought you people were a bunch of zealots! Three meetings, outreach calls, sponsor calls, praying, meditating—didn’t these people have lives? Nevertheless, I couldn’t deny the fact that people were thin. And in that area, they had what I wanted. So, even though I was still in denial, I grabbed a sponsor and started Program. I took to the food part of the program like a duck to water, but still held myself apart from the group. I didn’t want to be part of the fat group; it was embarrassing to be a food addict.

But one day, about a month after joining, I had an epiphany. I was finally eating the way I had always wanted to eat, I was effortlessly losing weight, and I was enjoying the meetings and outreach calls. I had tried for 30 years to do this on my own and had never been capable of maintaining my weight for even six months. It dawned on me that I must be an addict if I couldn’t stop eating and maintain a healthy weight when I really, really wanted to do that. I couldn’t do it on my own. I needed FA.

Once I pierced the veil of denial, I was able to actually see that, based on my Body Mass Index, I was considered obese. I had to sit with this a moment and wrap my brain around the word obese. Me obese? I don’t think so. Yet there it was in black and white. Sobering. My sponsor also suggested that I go to the store and try lugging around a 25 pound bag of dog food if I had any illusions about 35 pounds not being “that much.”  That little exercise quickly burst my bubble.

I still have moments when I don’t want to identify myself as a food addict, but they are few and far between. I’m grateful that my vanity led me to FA. In addition to losing the weight and inhabiting a healthy body, I’m exercising my spiritual muscle on a daily basis and exploring who I am through the Twelve Steps and an AWOL.

I wish I could say I immediately embraced FA, but that would be dishonest.  However, two-and-a-half years after joining, I can honestly say that I’m a grateful food addict and fortunate to be among the fellowship.