In my young life, I was the one who was seen as the problem. If I was uncomfortable, I spoke up. My family did not want to hear it. I turned to the food for the comfort and nurturing that was absent at home. If I was afraid of getting my share, I complained, and did so loudly. When I wanted more, I spoke up. If I didn’t get what I wanted by asking, I found another way to get it. One time, as a teenager, my family overheard me talking in my sleep, saying “I want extra!” At the time, it was a big joke to them, but a humiliation to me. Now I know that I was a food addict then, just as much as I am now. I had no idea when enough was enough. This was true with the food, but also with anything else that... Continue Reading
This disease, gosh! I have been abstinent just over four years now and I was completely caught off guard and truly humbled by the most powerful flare up of my disease I have had to date. I came into program at the age of 22 having spent about 10 years fighting my weight, dieting and gaining the same 10-15 pounds over and over. I could never figure out what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just put food on my plate and “eat it like a normal person”. I always wanted to eat the way we do in FA, but I was terrified it would make me fat, since I wasn’t used to eating normal quantities of healthy food at a time. Instead, I would restrict my food all week, binge on the weekends when no one was looking use laxatives, abuse colonics, drink copious amounts of diet soda... Continue Reading
The hardest thing about the first 90 days in FA was every single part of it – the readings, the phone calls, the agonizing stretch of time between breakfast and lunch. I would have never suffered through those indignities had it not been a matter of life and death for me. It was. The week before I came into FA, I was prepared to end my life by jumping off a bridge onto a 4-lane highway. I figured if the fall didn’t kill me, the fast moving traffic would take care of the rest. Every day while commuting over the bridge, I pictured the scenario in my mind. I imagined climbing over the railing, feeling the wind shake my balance, summoning the courage to lean forward and let go. I felt a rush of relief each time I ran through the fantasy. I never once considered the damage a 130-pound falling body... Continue Reading
I was in Cuernavaca, Mexico for a college term abroad. They call it the “City Of Eternal Spring”. Mexico was an eye-opening experience with incredible rain forests, beaches and beautiful people with a rich colorful culture, and it is also a place with corruption, poor areas and a smell I will never forget. Living here for 3 months with a humble host family, whose home had been robbed just a few weeks before my roommate and I arrived, I had such a determination that my behavior around food would be different and I was convinced that knowledge of all of this would do it. Yet, not more than a couple weeks into the time of my visit I found myself in a situation where I felt guilty about the amount of dinner I ate with some friends and the snacks that are readily available at the school we were attending.... Continue Reading
Years ago, I lived in a small country in Northern Europe with my family for 11 months. I studied the local language and gained the ability to speak some simple phrases. So when I got to the checkout line in the local grocery store, I knew what the cashiers were saying when they would ask me time and again: “Klienti kaart ei ole?” which meant, “Don’t you have our store card?” My reply was always a quick, “ei” which mean “no.” After months of being asked this question, I finally decided to investigate. I learned that the store membership card cost almost nothing and gave, in return, a sizeable discount on all of my purchases. It was definitely a bargain; no down sides. All that time, the cashiers were trying to help me, but my negative assumptions blinded me to their gift. I knew what their words meant, but I... Continue Reading
