A Story of Recovery:

4 Lessons I Had To Learn In FA

Lesson 1 – Life on Life’s Terms

Before Program, I had a lot of anger and resentment over certain life circumstances.  I am the oldest of four children, and my dad died when I was ten years old. I had many responsibilities that a ten-year-old should not have. I spent a lot of time resenting my mom. I ended up moving 3,000 miles away from her.

Eight months after joining Program, I moved within driving distance of her (not planned by me) and was able to show up and bring her grandchildren, my girls, to visit their grandma. Working the program helped me to realize that not everything is about me, and I was able to let a lot of my pain from the past go in order to create a more loving present and future.

My mom passed away only one year after I moved back to the area, and I am so glad that Program and my sponsor helped me to walk through how to draw healthy boundaries with her. I’ve learned that anger and resentment are luxuries an addict cannot afford. Hanging on to resentments is one sure way back into the food.

When something happens that makes me feel uncomfortable, I do not eat over it. If I am having an issue with another person, I look at the situation honestly and assess my role in it. If someone’s behavior irritates me, I pray for that person. It honestly helps.

I pick up the phone and talk about it, or I write about it and ask the God of my understanding to show me the lesson in the experience so that I can move on.

I remember the first time my sponsor asked me, “Did you ask God for help?”  I truly was dumbfounded. It sounded like the stupidest thing anyone ever suggested. But after hearing it 1,328 more times, I finally tried it and it worked.

Lesson 2 – Feelings are Feelings, but Our Actions are Our Life

Before FA, I didn’t know that feelings were natural and are a normal part of being human.

I thought I was weak if I had “feelings,” especially feelings that would cause me to lose control, like cry in public. (My biggest fear on my wedding day was that I’d go into the ugly cry in front of all those people.) I never knew it, but at 243 pounds, I was certainly eating over my feelings. I now know that feelings are natural, and they pass. I do not have to act on them. I don’t have to run to the fridge every time my mind wants to trick my body into eating!

Very early in my program, I had a doctor’s appointment that was somewhat stressful. I had a nursing baby with me and my two-year-old daughter was at a friend’s house. I absolutely hated to ask anyone to watch my children, and it was very uncomfortable for me to feel like a burden to my friend, who was watching my daughter.

I had to have an x-ray on my knee due to the damage I had done from punishing exercise. After I had hobbled up to the appointment, gotten the x-ray, got the baby out of her stroller, folded the stroller up, put it in the car, strapped the baby into the car seat, and hobbled back into the driver’s seat, I thought to myself, Okay, now, where is the nearest Starbucks?  I wanted my “fix” as my reward for getting through a tough morning. Then it struck me, I am in Program now! I don’t do that anymore. I still remember how strange it was to feel the automatic response of wanting to reward myself with food.

My food plan is plenty of fuel for my body, and if I’m feeling hungry in between my meals, there is always an emotion behind it that I need to deal with. I take the next right action, which could be making sure my food is in order (!), picking up the phone, getting quiet and listening for my higher power to direct me, writing about my feelings, and doing service.

Lesson 3 – Calm Begets Calm Begets Calm Begets Calm. . .

I have always been a high-energy person. It is easy for me to get spun up about almost anything. These dramatic mood swings only helped me in my eating career. If I was upset, I ate. If I was happy, I ate to celebrate.

I am the only person in my family of origin in recovery, and it can still be very difficult and uncomfortable for me to interact with my siblings. Historically, the way we communicate is to put each other down, judge each other, and make snide comments. Many encounters with them ended in some sort of door slamming, someone walking out, someone’s feelings being hurt and lots of divisiveness.

Program has taught me not to react to them. I am able to put up healthy boundaries now. I am able to listen to them without reacting to any accusations and without taking things personally. I now understand that most all their issues have nothing to do with me. Their reactions are a reflection of their state of mind at the time and I don’t have to take the bait.

I have learned something about when to keep my big mouth shut, which is the best gem of all. Silence is golden, as they say. My sister called me the other day, and I didn’t even hang up on her! When she made comments that were below the belt, I didn’t respond. I kept strictly to the matter at hand. It was a blessing. The other blessing is that I didn’t “chew” on the interaction by replaying it in my head for days afterward.

Now, when I am faced with a stressful situation, I ask God for help to stop myself from getting wound up out of control. I try to get quiet as fast as I can. If the situation involves another person, one in their disease, I remember that I have to remain calm. My Higher Power will give me all the peace I need to bring to the situation. My spinning out of control only throws fuel on the fire.

Lesson 4 – How is your Quiet Time?

When I begin whining to my sponsor about a problem I am experiencing, the first thing she asks me is, “How is your quiet time?” And usually, when I am spun up and whining, my quiet time that day has not been good! How does she know? I have learned that when I start to feel uncomfortable in any way, I need to get quiet and go to God for my calm.

For example, eight months after I joined program, I moved to a new state. I had to register my car and get a new driver’s license. I had gathered all the necessary documentation and headed off to the DMV. Of course, they asked me for some piece of paper that was in a file box somewhere, and I couldn’t put my hands on it right away. I almost snapped at the woman working in the DMV. I was so angry that I had gone to all the trouble to bring all the document’s I thought were necessary, only to find out I had not brought all that was required.

I left the DMV office and went out to the car. I put the Spa channel on the radio and my head on the steering wheel. I remembered to ask God for help. I took some quiet time right there in my van. I prayed for serenity and peace. Instead of crying, I felt a peace steal over me. It was amazing. The world wasn’t ending.  It was no big deal. I drove back to the house, got the document they wanted, and got my license done.