A Story of Recovery:

A Good, Solid Start

Completing my first 90 days is a true miracle, especially considering this is my second time through the program! Last summer, I reached my highest weight, but I was content with life, or at least that’s what I told myself. I was running my own business, but I felt uncomfortable presenting and being on video because of my weight, even though this was essential for my business success. I knew I had to lose weight, but I didn’t know how. Prior to FA, I was a vegan or vegetarian for years, I followed Macrobiotic diets, and I even went to Weight Watchers—all with short term success.

One day I saw a friend who had lost a lot of weight and asked what she was doing. She described FA in such vivid detail that I was hooked instantly. I didn’t hear the parts about attending three meetings or calling people. All I heard was that people were losing weight and keeping it off, there was ample food, no one felt hungry, and her aches and pains had disappeared! That got me to take action and I attended my first FA meeting. I was only going for the diet and I told myself that, when I lost the weight, I’d ditch the program. No problem.

I spent most of the meeting distracted, thinking about what I would eat when it was over. The meeting ran from 7-8:30pm. I probably ate before I went, but my evening food was far from over. Getting home at 8:30 would mean the start of snack time.

I sat wishing for the meeting to be over, so I could get the “diet” and go. As I planned what to eat when I got home, I found myself noticing people getting up to read the tools of recovery. One woman was large and I immediately felt respect for her, that she had the courage to do that. The people in the room were so caring and supportive of her—in fact, they were that way toward everyone. It was really nice.

Soon I was able to listen and be present, and I heard the leader qualify and tell her story of addiction. I realized, for the first time ever, that I’m a food addict! I had never heard the term before, had no idea there was such a thing and I immediately got it—the missing link in my weight issues. Finally, there was something concrete to help me deal with this problem that had plagued me for years.

During the break, people approached me and were very friendly. I asked a kind lady if she would be my sponsor and she agreed.

I needed this program to help me manage not only my food issues, but also the things in my life that were causing me to eat.

But, I wasn’t like all of those people. I was unique, special—or so I thought. I was very busy and important. I couldn’t waste time making three calls a days and giving outreach support to needy people. I definitely couldn’t attend three meetings a week. I had obligations as a single mom and as a business owner that made it impossible for me to do that. My sponsor accepted my conditions and, as a result, I signed up for a very weak program.

I worked the FA program for four months. I dropped 35 pounds, which was more than I had done in 20 years, but was still far from my goal weight. I grasped the food plan, but I got bored with my sponsor and ended our relationship. I knew that no one else would take me on with my conditions, and I thought I could do the program on my own, so I stopped going to meetings altogether.

For the next six months, I wrote down my food every morning and vowed to stick to my plan. Breakfast was always weighed and measured. By lunch, I either ate too much or too little of something and, by dinner, all bets were off. I would eat a sugar or flour product and forgo dinner, or I would make tradeoffs, eating more of this and then exercising. You know—the typical cat and mouse game we addicts play with ourselves, trying to justify doing things our own way.

Near the end of the six months, I met a wonderful man and we began a relationship. It was truly a match made in heaven, but my fears, doubts, and insecurities came up quickly and threatened our budding romance.

One day he told me he was concerned that I might have anger management issues. Incidentally, this was after I secretly had a major binge. Of course, I denied it and blamed him for any wrongdoing that was causing my negative behavior. It really bothered me that someone should suggest I had an anger issue, yet I was self-aware enough to recognize that I was jeopardizing this relationship.

I am a very religious woman, and I had a strong connection to my higher power—G-d. I turned to Him to help me get clarity on what was happening. I begged for clarity, for the insight to know why I was acting this way and sabotaging something beautiful and wonderful that I had been praying to receive for a long time.

One day while waiting for G-d to give me the gift of clarity, I was especially anxious and mistakenly thought I was hungry. I was in an unfamiliar town and made my way in the blazing afternoon heat to a restaurant nearby. I got lost on the way, and when I finally got there my addiction was raging.

I drank a gallon of water, ordered an abstinent meal, wolfed it down, and then had a large sugary dessert. It wasn’t enough. On my way back to my hotel, I stopped at the store and bought more sugary treats and binged on them before my boyfriend came to pick me up. I had to hide all of the evidence of my binge, and it really bothered me to think I might have to throw some of it out. Naturally, we had an argument that afternoon about something stupid. I had started it.

My addiction confronted me head-on. I was about to lose a wonderful man, and I had become a bit of a raging lunatic. My head was foggy all the time, I couldn’t focus on work, and nothing I did seemed to get me out of this funk. It can only be described as Divine Intervention that I had the Truth revealed to me. Once I had the gift of knowing I was an addict, the addiction was so much more pronounced to me because I didn’t have any way to control it. That’s what was happening to me, and I’m grateful to have been given that clarity.

Within days, I was home and back in the program. I vowed to get a strong sponsor, one who wouldn’t let me get away with stuff and who would give me a strong program. I did indeed get a strong sponsor with a strong program and, in return, I did what was asked. I am still a work in progress, but I go to three meetings a week, I make outreach calls to people with long term abstinence, and I ask for help when I’m struggling. I definitely turn to G-d with gratitude for my abstinence and ask for help often.

I am still in the early days of recovery. Ninety days is nothing in the span of a lifetime, but it’s a start—a good, solid start. Getting back into the program saved my relationship. It has helped me lose another 30 pounds, and I’m feeling fabulous. Every day is a challenge and a blessing, and I always remind myself to take it one day at a time.