A Story of Recovery:

A Key Moment

I joined FA 5 years ago when I was 43, 5’4.5” and 226 lbs. (102.5 kilos). I was also on antidepressants and pre-diabetic, depressed, angry and full of self-pity. I lashed out at my husband and people at work, none of whom seemed to do enough to help me.  I had a stable home and job, a husband and two healthy children.  There seemed to be so much to be grateful for and yet I was miserable. Could this be all there was to life? There must be more to it as I saw many other people who appeared to be happily engaged with life. My anger and frustration only seemed to deepen and I was behaving towards others in ways that I didn’t recognize. I was getting in trouble at work, and was contemplating divorce.

  I kept snacks in the trunk of my car, just in case. I had crossed a line with alcohol, moving from two cocktails on occasion as a self-imposed limit as the daughter of an alcoholic, to craving more.  I was scared about who I was becoming and terrified my weight would continue on its path and I wouldn’t live to see my daughters graduate from high school.

I spent my entire life prior to FA heavy.  I was called a whale in 6th grade and put on my first diet when I was only 11 years old. Over the years, I’d tried Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, the Zone Diet, the South Beach Diet, the Scarsdale diet, Fen-Phen and exercise, even completing a sprint triathlon. I’d spent money on gyms, therapists and retreats. I talked a lot about my feelings and what others had done to me, but not about what I had done to others. I avoided the topic of my weight. I was too ashamed and despised myself for not being slim enough, smart enough, accomplished enough, controlled enough and then for not being content enough.  I thought if I could lose the weight my life would be ok or at least it would be a start.  

When I came into FA, I was desperate. I later realized this is known as GOD, the gift of desperation, and may, in fact, have been a tremendous blessing. I’d heard about FA through the mother of a friend of mine. When my friend first mentioned it, I was put off by the idea of weighing and measuring my food and giving up alcohol. It seemed too drastic and odd. I wanted a solution to my weight that would allow me to be normal, not different from others. Still, I was impressed that her 71-year old mother was able to shed 80 lbs. (36 kilos) as well as claiming FA brought so much joy to the latter half of her life. I thought: “I want joy!”
I made the decision to give this FA thing a try.

At my first meeting, I sat in the back, and, as always, checked to see if I was the fattest person in the room. What I heard there shocked me on many levels. I sat there trying to understand what they ate if it wasn’t flour and sugar.  Could anyone eat that many vegetables? I just didn’t get it. I was impressed to hear people speak about their life, the way they ate and how they treated themselves and other people, without shame or guilt.  They openly discussed their character defects in constructive and positive ways. I was very skeptical about whether it would work for me, but I had nothing to lose.  I heard them talk about 90 days and figured I’d give it 30 days (I’d never lasted much longer than that on a diet anyway). I would go all in for 30 days and do whatever they asked, then make up my mind about whether to continue.

In my first meeting, I spoke with the woman who stood up to sponsor. I said I was interested but there was no way that I could go to more than two meetings a week given my schedule of working full-time and raising three-year old twins. She was gracious and just suggested I go to another meeting. At the second meeting, I was intrigued and hopeful but not ready. But, when a lovely woman came over at the break and asked if I wanted a sponsor, to my surprise, I said yes. I know this was my Higher Power speaking for me. The first 30 days were tough. The withdrawal from flour and sugar exhausted me. There were times when I wanted to eat my arm off. My sponsor patiently offered suggestions such as make a call, or drink some water. There were times when all I could do was think about how to go from one meal to the next – from breakfast to lunch, lunch to dinner, dinner to breakfast.

I felt the demands of program were relentless and resented waking up at 5 a.m. compared to my usual 7 a.m.  Yet, with the help of my sponsor, fellows and meetings, I persisted. I learned to sit for quiet time, to get on my knees and pray, to be open and willing to try suggestions and to realize that although I wouldn’t have chosen to do the tools as my preferred way to spend free time, I always felt better when I did them. After the first month of losing weight and feeling better, I was willing to keep going. Phone calls and the breaks at the meeting were hard for me. I felt so awkward. It seemed everyone already had people to talk to. Why would they want to talk to me? How do I start the conversation? My sponsor guided me gently, suggesting ideas in our calls for what to talk to my fellows about.

A key moment for me was after a phone call three months into program when I realized that I was happy. I had a sense of self-respect, of moving forward in my life, of becoming a person I wanted to be and of having support that I’d never experienced before; that of a Higher Power. My life was most definitely not perfect and at times I was still riddled with fear, resentments, and overwhelmed at times, but thanks to FA, I was fundamentally happy and grateful.

Today my weight is appropriate for my age and height, I’m off unnecessary medications, my bloodwork is excellent, and my relationship with myself and others is healthy and fun. Life still shows up, my father has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t recognize me anymore, I’ve lived through a year of chronic back pain resulting from a car accident, then been through surgery, my husband has gone through three jobs, my daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia, we’ve remodeled our house, I changed sponsors and was laid off from work. Life showed up but I haven’t eaten flour or sugar in over five years which to me is a true miracle in my life and proof of a Higher Power working in my life. My path hasn’t been perfect, but now with two years of back to back abstinence, I’m learning that slowing down is my next hurdle and I know that with FA I can accomplish anything.  I’m excited to see what will unfold next.