A Story of Recovery:
A Light to Guide Me
Dr. C. is a bright young ocular surgeon with a sparkling smile and numerous Ivy League degrees. I am so grateful my higher power cleared my way to her.
I believed all my health issues were solved by a hundred pound weight loss and 18 months of abstinence in FA. All my doctors were delighted, my medical tests were stellar, I was taken off all my medications as well as CPAP. Until, my previous ophthalmologist diagnosed diabetic retinopathy and fear overwhelmed me. My years of diabetic denial and addictive eating had fired a consequential bullet not so easily dodged. The doctor recommended immediate laser eye surgery in two days.
At the clinic door, the day of the planned surgery, I hesitated – terrified. During childhood, my beloved grandmother slowly went blind and losing my sight was my greatest fear. It took a moment, but I managed a deep breath and pushed hard opening the door. I was not going to give in to fear, so cloaked in bravado, I walk into the lobby. Something was very wrong. The women at the desk appeared nervous. “I’m sorry your procedure has been cancelled. Dr. K has a personal crisis and has suspended his practice – indefinitely.”
Once again a wave of panic crashing over me. What was I going to do? No doctor in my small town qualified to perform the surgery and my research indicated retina hemorrhage without warning a possibility – leaving me blind. Dr. K’s nurse promised to find an alternative provider, but the phone remained silent. I asked fellows, friends & family for referrals and called former ophthalmologists without result. For two weeks, I fussed, wavered and schemed, lost in darkness until, with tears flowing down my cheeks, I gave up. What was the point of being abstinent and working a program? I was sick, alone and no food to comfort me. In this black moment of desperation; a calm voice whispered, “Pray about it”.
Although the concept of spirituality is not a difficult concept, I could not envision a personal relationship with a deity. A god who cares about me, watches me and acts for my good was a real stretch. Surely, god is too busy to pay attention to an unimportant individual like me. That day, I was willing to try so I prayed, “God, please show me the way.” Within moments, a solution dawned and I knew what to do. Through tears, I dialed a well-respected local hospital. The receptionist listened to my story and my fears without a word. I poured it all out and finally spent, listened. “Don’t worry we will take care of you”, she reassured. In these words, my higher power spoke through her, directly to me. Later, when Dr. C. warn laser surgery presented a serious risk to my vision, it was clear I was guided from the first day.
For the next six months, they will inject medicines into my retinas and my sight IS still in jeopardy. I remain abstinent, hopeful and afraid no longer, my higher power leads me, even if the lights go out.