A Story of Recovery:

A Possible Impossibility

I planned to join FA on a specific date—the perfect day to start my new life—not a day before or a day after. Of course, I had that same thought with all of the diet and exercise programs I tried. I always planned to start on some special date. It gave me the excuse to eat whatever I wanted until that actual day, when I would give it all up and be “good.” I would always start with the best of intentions, but I was usually able to last only a few weeks, or, in a few rare cases, several months. I would be doing okay, but then something would happen—I would get rejected by a guy I liked, or I would have a particularly stressful week at work, or I would go on vacation, and that was the end of that.

For reasons that I still don’t understand, joining FA was different. I didn’t binge for two weeks before starting. I actually gave up flour and sugar for a few weeks before I joined, so by the time I weighed in for the first time, I had already lost about eight pounds. It made the detox easier; I didn’t really feel much of a physical withdrawal from the flour and sugar.

The mental withdrawal was another story. The hardest thing for me in the beginning was waiting from one meal to the next. I couldn’t fathom how someone could go through a day and just eat three meals. Before Program, I would grab breakfast on my way to work, then skip out around eleven for a sugary drink from the coffee shop or vending machine, then have lunch at the fast-food place across the street. I would hit the refrigerator when I got home for an afternoon snack, then get dinner—usually from the local delivery place—and I would end my day by grazing until I finally fell asleep, often munching on that last bit even as my eyes were closing. I would wake up the next morning, brush off the crumbs, roll out of bed, and start the whole cycle again. So, three meals, nothing in-between? Insane! But, with the help of the fellowship and my higher power, I did it.

In those first few months, I felt like all I was doing was waiting from one meal to the next, from one meeting to the next, from one day to the next. I was working, but almost all I could think about was when I would get to eat my next meal. As soon as I finished dinner, I would think, Okay, now I just have to make it to breakfast. After I finished breakfast, I would think, Only five more hours until lunch, and so on. But I made it, miraculously, one day at a time, and soon I got through my first month, and then my second month.

Even though I had only lost about 15 pounds in those first months and still had at least 60 more to go, I started feeling better. I was still overweight, but I felt infinitely more comfortable in my own skin. That mysterious clarity I heard people talking about in meetings started coming to me in little spurts. I would be driving in the car and suddenly the leaves would look a lot greener. Or I would be sitting in a meeting and I would just have this awareness about the food, or about my life. I started to see all the ways my life had become unmanageable before Program. I also figured out new ways to organize my time and space to get my job done more efficiently.

In just two months, the fog really started to lift, and I could actually feel myself getting clearer, and even smarter. I suddenly seemed able to handle things that baffled me before. I made a grocery list for the first time in my life. I planned my meals ahead of time and weighed them out the night before. I became more organized and focused at work. I got a new apartment, found a roommate, and negotiated with the cable company. These things would have paralyzed me with fear when I was still in the flour and sugar. In my disease, I was simply incapable of leading a manageable, independent life, so I turned to the food and I ate.

I never knew how much time and energy I had spent on food until I wasn’t eating anymore. Over the course of those first 90 days, I realized more and more that food had ruled my life. When I joined FA, that vice-grip was broken; I was free.

Since coming into FA, I have done so many things I never thought possible. I have traveled internationally several times without breaking my abstinence. I went zip-lining and rappelling (climbing a rope down a deep descent) in the jungle. I reconnected with old friends and have made many new friends. I bought a new car. I threw my parents a wonderful sixty-fifth birthday party. I started to go on dates for the first time in my life.

I lost 75 pounds and have kept it off for two-and-one-half years. All of this, just from eating three weighed and measured meals, no flour, no sugar, and nothing in-between? Impossible! Well, not impossible, but definitely miraculous. And as long as I keep coming back and working the program, the miracles keep coming. Thank you God for FA!