A Story of Recovery:

A Social Misfit

Being 50 pounds overweight was a huge part of the reason I felt like I didn’t fit in, but I found out, after joining FA, that it wasn’t the only reason. What I know now is that I had the disease of fear, doubt, and insecurity, and no matter what I did or said, I just felt like I was dumb and wrong about everything. Nothing I said or did was worthwhile or enough.  In FA I found out that this way of thinking is extreme self-centered fear—thinking nothing of myself, but thinking about myself all the time.

If I dared to show up to a social event, I was positive that everyone had me under a microscope and was analyzing my body, my words, and my every breath. I even thought that people could read my mind! I was so critical and judgmental of others because of how poorly I thought of myself.

I just felt so out of control with the food, and I hated myself for not being able to lose weight or eat normally. If there were no food or alcohol at an event that I was (rarely) invited to, then I would not go. It was too uncomfortable to interact with others without a substance to prompt conversation.

I didn’t even realize how socially inept I was until I got abstinent, and my sponsor suggested getting to meetings early and staying late…just for fellowship.  I did this, but I fumbled and bumbled over my words constantly and felt sick to my stomach.

Although I was finally losing the weight for the first time in my life, my personality had been so thwarted by the food that I didn’t know who I was, what I liked, or what I had to offer to any conversation. I had to be spoon-fed “starter” conversations, and it actually worked. It was suggested to me to ask others about themselves rather than think I just had to talk about myself. For me, it was better to practice asking and listening vs. talking about myself. In the past, I would be so uncomfortable that I would just start telling people my whole life story (unwanted details included) and feel so awkward afterward because I had just bared my soul to complete strangers. (I went on a lot of first dates in recovery, due to my lack of tact.)

FA has taught me how to weigh and measure my conversations. I think part of my inappropriateness came from thinking that this was the first and only conversation I would be able to have with the person and also partly because I was uncomfortable with silence. I thought that if I talked enough, they wouldn’t think about my thighs and rear end. Warped thinking!

FA has taught me how to be confident and use God as my protection and buffer as I enter life without the food. I have been on my knees on many occasions before and during social events asking God to take away the negativity and to speak through my heart.

The times where I used to eat have been being replaced with healthy, fulfilling conversations (including eye contact)!  It’s been over 14 years now that I have been abstinent and practicing my social skills. I no longer have the fear or hesitation when I am invited to events, because I think about how I can be of service, and I look forward to getting to know others. I also feel like I have my heart and soul to offer….flawed and all.