A Story of Recovery:
A Work in Progress
When I came into FA I was utterly desperate. Just a few months prior to that date, I had ended up in the hospital for three days after a major binge. My diagnosis was a swollen colon. I had eaten a food combination that was thick and pasty. I had eaten so much of it that my side started to hurt. It was late at night, so I went off to bed. When I woke up the next morning, I was fine. One week later I had another binge on that same food combination and my side started to hurt again, so just like last time, I went to bed.
The next morning when I woke up I wasn’t fine. My side pain progressed for the next few days and ended up in the hospital. I was so embarrassed. The medical staff asked me all kinds of questions. I knew why I was there, but didn’t tell them about my binge. On the day I went to the hospital, the only thing I had eaten was soup. A soup I had concocted with one of my crazy attempts to control my weight. The hospital staff didn’t ask me what I had eaten two days ago and I didn’t tell them. At first they had thought it was my appendix, but after ruling that out they performed other tests including a colonoscopy.
As strange as it may sound, the prep for the colonoscopy had given me hope. I thought to myself, “I will be totally cleaned out. Now I can go home, have a fresh start and eat like a normal person.” That only lasted about a day, and I had gotten back into binging.
For the first time, my eating REALLY scared me. I didn’t know what to do. Looking back, I see myself in the story in the Big Book about the jaywalker. He couldn’t stop walking in front of traffic even though he was harming himself. A normal person would say “Mr. Jaywalker, if you cross the street and harm yourself, why don’t you just stop?”
Someone who doesn’t understand the insanity of addiction would have probably said to me, “If you eat so much that you end up in the hospital, just stop eating so much.” Why was it so hard? Why couldn’t I just stop? I felt like a complete failure.
Years before my disease really progressed, I had attended other 12 Step meetings on and off. I had one toe in and nine toes out. I didn’t know what else to do, so after the hospital incident I decided to go back to that other 12 Step program. I met a woman who had been to an FA meeting and I remember her saying FA was very structured and disciplined. My ears perked! That’s what I needed! So that Saturday I went to my first FA meeting and got a sponsor.
If she had told me to call her at 2:00 AM and stand on my head while I talked to her for 15 minutes I would have said, “Yes Ma’am.” I was afraid that if I didn’t get help, I would end up in the hospital again and not be so lucky next time. I’d had it with the food. It had beaten me into the ground. Things went really well for many years but I was soon to learn a lesson about complacency. One of the things that I have to work on is being too busy.
The character defect of busyness puts my recovery at risk. When my recovery is at risk I lose my peace and serenity and freedom from addictive eating. A few months ago I started getting really busy and I had a break. After that my thinking became very negative. I began to question my sponsor’s suggestions. Then I got scared. I never doubted that this program worked, but I wasn’t as willing to do what my sponsor was suggesting. I had become complacent. When I came in over 12 years ago, I didn’t balk at anything. I was beat. I had to ask myself why I was balking now. Then it dawned on me, it was because I wasn’t desperate anymore. I did not want the jaywalker to return so I had to take action.
I prayed and prayed. I picked up my Big Book and read the paragraph on acceptance over and over and over again. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. . . .
I thank God that I woke up a few days later and said “It’s okay if I have to drive over an hour two times a week to get to a meeting – and it’s okay that I have to call my sponsor everyday – and it’s okay if I have to shortened my vacation so I can stay in an AWOL.”
So I did what my sponsor suggested. I went to my meeting an hour away and it was great. I met two newcomers, spent some time with a former sponsee, and got to see a lot of other fellows that I haven’t seen for a long time. My one-hour drive back home was quiet and peaceful. I thought to myself, “This isn’t so bad.”
Today, I have my 90 days back, I’m sponsoring again, and I am co-leading another AWOL. I have planned our Hawaii vacation around my AWOL schedule and my family has been very supportive. We are all very excited about our upcoming trip.
12 years later I can say that I love this program and I’m in awe for the life I have today because of FA. I’m grateful that a have a fulfilling life and that God continues to change me through the 12 steps. I know that I will always be a work in progress.