A Story of Recovery:

Abstinent in Times of Great Loss

Years ago when my husband and I were on vacation, we saw another pair of parents from our children’s grade school days.  Sadly, a few years prior to this, they had lost their son to a brain aneurism.  I didn’t recognize the husband, as he had gained 80-100 pounds. Some time later, when I described our friend’s weight gain to our son, his reaction was, “Of course he’s gained weight, Mom! His son died! Of course he would eat!!” I closed my eyes and kept my mouth shut.  No need to say another word.  But in my mind, I felt so grateful for FA and the fact that I don’t have to eat over any event. This is not to say that I haven’t!

I didn’t find FA until I was 50 years old. There were many tortured years, when overeating, bulimia and over-exercising were my only solutions. I hated myself and kept adding to the problem with my addictive behaviors. When both my parents died in one year, Dad on their wedding anniversary, and Mom four months later — we had all been somewhat prepared for this eventuality: Dad had a dementia known as dementia with Lewy bodies (which crippled him in so many ways), while Mom had dementia and cancer. It was a very rough time for all of us, but with superb caregivers, loving family, and sweet dogs to make us all laugh, we muddled through. Before FA, this would have been prime time for me, as a food addict, to raid their refrigerator or to eat addictively on my way to and from their home. I would have quickly gained 40 or 50 pounds, and maybe even more! Before joining FA, there were many times when, for big reasons or no reason at all, I behaved like a raptor in other people’s kitchens, scooping up whatever food was in my path.

With the program of FA, I have learned, from my Higher Power, others, and from my sponsor, that I can accept what is in front of me, can have appropriate emotions, and, most of all, I can be there for the people who need support and love. I will never forget a visit my daughter and I shared with my dad just before he died. My daughter and I sat at the foot of his bed. I was holding Dad’s hand. He said in a very soft voice, Thanks for your loving strength.  I guarantee you, if I had been eating addictively, there would have been no loving strength. I would have been curled up in a fetal position with bags and boxes of food.

Thanks to abstinence and the fellowship of FA, I was able to experience the love of a higher power flowing through human beings without the food to block it. With a clear mind and a grateful heart, I was with my parents in their final days. I am grateful to have had such kind and giving parents, and so thankful to my FA fellowship which absolutely carried me through. When I looked out at the friends and family at Mom’s service, as I delivered a poem as a eulogy, I saw several fellows from our meetings.  The love in their faces supported me in that moment.

I know that if I keep right on weighing and measuring my food and working all of the tools of the FA program – one day at a time all will be well.