A Story of Recovery:

Accepting Addiction

I came into FA two years ago. I knew my relationship with food was warped and that I looked at food differently from the way other people did. I had tried several other Twelve-Step programs that dealt with food and I found some recovery, but never really “got it.” I thought of myself as a compulsive overeater, an emotional eater, and a bulimic. I knew I used food to stuff down feelings. I knew I was powerless over my emotions and the people around me, but I never thought of being powerless over food. It was easier to accept the diagnosis of the medical community that I was over-sensitive, bipolar, and that I needed anti-depressants. The medication helped with the mood swings, but they never helped with how I used food.

I came into FA weighing around 367 pounds. The minute I walked into my first meeting, I knew that this was the program for me. I had no problem getting up at a meeting and saying, “I’m a food addict.” I really thought I had accepted this fact, but what I really was thinking was that I had a problem with food because of past hurts and sexual abuse. What I wasn’t accepting was that I was addicted to food. It took me six months of off-and-on abstinence to accept the fact that I really was a food addict; I didn’t know how to go one day without over-eating.

During the first six months of Program, I lied to my sponsor almost daily. There was always some reason to take just a bite to get me through. Most of the time it was food in my food plan and not flour or sugar. Then I had emotional binges because of the shame and guilt of not being honest with my sponsor. When this happened, I would end up in the flour and sugar, bingeing and purging. I told my sponsor about the binges, but I never told her of my licks, bites, or tastes in between meals.

After the six months of lying and binging, I hit a wall. My sponsor went away for a holiday weekend and I had a temporary sponsor. A temporary sponsor to me was just like having a substitute teacher. I became this deviant addict who wanted to see what I could get away with when my sponsor was gone. It started out slowly, and by Sunday I couldn’t stop eating and purging.

I knew my sponsor would not be my sponsor after that. My life was not working. That’s when I realized that I was powerless over food, that I was addicted to it. Even when I was happy, I ate. As I sat on my bathroom floor, praying to god, I finally understood. I finally accepted the fact that I was a food addict. I had the solution right in front of me, and I knew I’d better grab on before it was too late.

I did get a new sponsor. I came clean with everything I was doing (or not doing) with my program. I not only “found” the time to do all of my tools, I “made” the time to do them. I became 100% clean with my food and became abstinent, for the first time. I did it one day at a time and the days turned into months. I haven’t purged for over a year and a half, the longest period for me of not purging in 30 years.

As it states in the Big Book: “Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today.” I know there is no person, place or thing that is a reason to pick up that first bite. I need to accept that I am a food addict, and when situations come up in my life, I need to turn to God for help, not turn to the food, my drug of choice.