A Story of Recovery:
Accepting The Answer
I started the program 32 months ago. I was 57 years old, weighed 235 lbs. (106 Kilos), diabetic and taking 120 units of insulin a day (that’s a huge amount), barely able to walk a block, uncomfortable all the time, distressed, and suicidal.
My doctor suggested I try FA. I was in for an annual physical and, sobbing, I begged her to institutionalize me because I could not stop eating. (Boy was my husband shocked – he was in the exam room for a physical too.) I told her I thought I was addicted to food. I was stuck in a cycle of misery and despair: eating uncontrollably, berating and hating myself, and promising the next day would be better. I admitted that I couldn’t take it anymore and I was trying to figure out how to do myself in. After calming me down, she wheeled around on her chair, grabbed an FA tri-fold brochure and handed it to me. Shaking the piece of paper, she said, “This works for some people.”
Three weeks later I was in a meeting and I never looked back.
I now weigh 174 lbs. (79 Kilos). My blood sugar is normal and stable. I take NO insulin or other diabetes medication. My doctor has just taken me off of my heart medication. I wear a size 14 – not a size 24. I can hike for miles and miles and miles. I haven’t thought about suicide, except to consider that I no longer want to do it. I’m calmer, better able to handle my life, love people, and listen.
I learned that my life had been unmanageable because of my addiction and that I had done horrible things to myself and others as a result of it.
Some other things I’ve learned:
– The distance between serenity and desperation is paper-thin. If I eat off plan, I am back into desperation. But the answer is always at hand. I pray to have the strength to practice recovery.
– One of the gifts of recovery is new neurology. I will never rid myself of the old neurons that supported my addiction, but my Higher Power is giving me both a new and improved brain, and a new body. I pray that G-d will continue to work within me, changing me, and giving me right thinking about food. – Recovery takes a very long time, and it never ends. It comes in waves. As I push myself through program and stick to it, I receive gifts from G-d. Little packets of recovery that make each and every day a little easier. I pray for patience. I pray for the acceptance to make program my new life.
– My addiction has a voice. It says things to get me to go back to my old way of being. It talks all the time. It says, “Just a little more won’t matter. A tenth is insignificant. I don’t need program any more. That program is arbitrary. No one loves me. I don’t matter. A snack won’t matter because I don’t eat many calories.” And all sorts of other horrible things. My list of what my addiction says to me has over 200 items on it, including flashing pictures of food in my brain and sending me phantom food scents. I pray I will continue to write down what my addiction says, because it is so clever it constantly gives me new thoughts. I write them down so that when I hear those words later, I’m prepared to recognize the enemy.
– Food thoughts are much less frequent than they were, and they have become increasingly easy to push away. This has shown me that G-d is giving me new neurology. I can now choose between supporting the old, addicted neurons, or the new G-d-given healthy ones. Each choice I make determines which neurology I support, old or new. I am doing program so that I can live free (more or less) of obsession. I want to be changed. That is my goal. That is what I prayed for all my life. That is the answer my Higher Power has given me.
– Every day when I commit my food to paper, I also write down a list of things that I am grateful for that day. Writing is key. I also list my challenges for the day. Keeping what is blessed in front of me, so I am able to remember what is good in my life, brings serenity. Knowing what may stress me, helps me to get through disturbing situations that might lead to food thoughts and uncontrolled eating. These are weapons I used against my enemy: addiction.
– Quiet time is a gift from my Higher Power. I choose to use that gift, though I could just as easily put in on a shelf like things I’ve been given by family and friends. I could just look at it, but quiet time is a gift to be used.
I have learned that everything in program has a purpose. That I must do the program as it is written and handed from fellow to fellow. I didn’t know how to stop the obsession. My thinking was all wrong. Today, I have boundaries. Program, and all its parts, is the answer.