A Story of Recovery:

Addicted to Isolation

Twelve years ago, when I came into Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous, I lived only for food binges. Food was all that I could think of: how to get it, how to be alone with it, and how to eat as much as I wanted without paying any of the consequences. And the consequences were many.

I felt isolated from all of the good things that life had to offer. I was physically and psychologically addicted to flour, sugar, fat, and huge quantities of food. I ate until I was so full that it was difficult for my lungs to expand, and it hurt to breathe. For me, those foods substances and the enormous quantities that I consumed were mood-altering drugs, and they fueled suicidal depression.

I felt drugged up and sluggish after overeating and had to sleep it off. Many times after a binge, when my stomach was aching, and food was backing up into my throat, I vowed “never again,” but that did not stop me the next time. Sometimes I would wake up and get food out of the garbage.

I think I was even addicted to isolation. I preferred being alone with my tranquilizer: food. I chose eating, with the drapes drawn, phone turned off, and TV remote in hand, over the love and companionship of family and friends.

I was assaulting myself with food, and as a consequence, I could summon neither the physical capacity nor the mental motivation to engage in meaningful or pleasurable activities. One bite at a time, my spirit was dying; the life was being ebbed out of me. I felt like I was suffocating, and more and more, I was losing my will to live.

Before I learned of FA, I knew about Twelve-Step living from prior experience, 30- years earlier, with Overeaters Anonymous, when I had lost 120 pounds. But I gained it back, then I lost some of it, then I gained some of it back, and then, well, it just continued on and on.

I was still trying to use my knowledge of Twelve-Step recovery to get control, but abstinence was difficult and short-lived. By that time, I had been hospitalized in food addiction treatment centers five times. I had never stopped obsessing about food and weight, even during periods of weight loss.

One day, I clipped an FA listing from the newspaper. I set it aside, however, because denial, one of the hallmarks of my disease, wrongly assured me that I could conquer the problem on my own. And then, just as I had done for years, I tried, in essence, to stop being a food addict. I wasted a lot of time trying to do it by myself.

When I came into Program, I weighed 164 pounds, and was heading back up to my highest weight: almost 270 pounds (150 pounds more than I weigh now). At last I became willing to see what FA was all about. At my first meeting, I was happy to hear that people had found a program that was giving them long-lasting results. It was reassuring to hear that there was a method to success; it was not a do-it-yourself approach. I needed to know that, because the fallacy that I could do it myself had kept me sick and hopeless for many years.

I attended meetings for three months before getting a sponsor, and I was not honest about my food during the first year. Although I did manage to get to goal weight during that year, I twice had to start my abstinence over because of dishonesty.

All the while, I knew that FA was the only hope for me. Real recovery began for me when I finally realized that I did not want to “be around” FA, but rather I needed and wanted to become a member of FA. In order to do that, I did not have to fill out any application forms, or sign any papers, I just had to make a decision to join in and do what others so joyfully did.

Today my weight is as God intended, and I am free of food cravings. My sponsor is in charge of my food plan and my weight. Since she has put her higher power in charge of her life, as I have, I feel like I am in good hands all the way around.

First and foremost in my life today: food must be in its proper place. In order to be free of intrusive food cravings, nasty mood swings, and irresponsible behaviors, I must take steps to ensure that food remains in its place. How is that achieved? How can I have the “sane and useful happy life” that is promised in our literature? The answer for me is of a spiritual nature and it is in all of the things that I hear about at each and every meeting, which include the tools, a sponsor, meetings, the Steps, the traditions, and our disciplines.

That is a lot for newcomers to take in, but we can break it down into manageable twenty-four hour segments. Thank you God for the help, love, and support that wait on the other side of the meeting room door for all who enter. Not only are we willing to reach out to newcomers, returnees, and members alike, but we must—our life depends on it.