A Story of Recovery:

After the gastric bypass, I found myself angry.

My first 90 days didn’t come right away. I have had several “day ones” in my two and a half years in FA, but in nine days, I will have nine months of abstinence, thank you God.

When I came into FA I was willing to do anything. I was desperate. I had nothing left that was going to help me with my food addiction. But I left after two months, as I didn’t have the willingness to do anything that was asked of me, and the food obsession was just too overwhelming. While I was at a meeting during this time, I heard a fellow speak about having gastric bypass surgery, and my next thought was, “Oh, I haven’t tried that yet,” so off I went to what I thought would be an easier, softer way of losing weight.

I had gastric bypass surgery two years later. My top weight was 347 pounds. At the time of the surgery, I weighed 298 pounds. I thought for sure this was going be the answer and that I would never have to worry about watching what I was putting in my mouth again. This was not the happy ending to my obsession with the food. The lowest weight I reached was 217.

After the gastric bypass, I found myself angry. I made appointments with a counselor because I just didn’t understand why I was so upset all the time. When she asked me what exactly she was supposed to be helping me with, I told her that I just didn’t understand all the emotions I was feeling after having had the surgery. She just looked at me as if I had a horn growing out of my head. Needless to say, I didn’t return for another visit.  I ate addictively, my weight started to climb, I was out of control with my feelings, and I was mad that I couldn’t numb out from life. I was lost as to what I needed to do to get better; I knew I had to do something fast before I reached 300 pounds again.

Back in FA at 247 pounds, I started my FA journey with the willingness to be honest with my new sponsor, but I found myself very scared to be of service. So when I would get close to day 90, I would have a break. I was so selfish and didn’t want to do the service that was recommended after reaching 90 days. After all, I thought, what did I have that anyone else would want?

The days of abstinence became fewer and fewer until it seemed that I was starting to have more day ones than any other days. I went through so many sponsors. Feelings of abandonment made it so I didn’t trust some of them. I would leave them because I just couldn’t be honest. I would tell fellows about my struggles, and they would tell me to just stay in the rooms and, in time, I would become abstinent. They said that sometimes things happen in God’s time, not mine.

I knew that I had nowhere else to go; I had been a professional dieter since the age of eight and had tried everything under the sun. I also had an obsession with over-exercising.

During the holidays, my addiction grew more painful, and the obsession with food was winning. I felt like such a loser. I lost another sponsor because of my lack of willingness to do what was asked of me and spent the next two weeks just coming to meetings with no sponsor and wondering if I was going to stay in FA.

With the help of another fellow, I started writing about the painful breaks I was having.  I started realizing that I was breaking my abstinence because of my feelings. I had always calmed my feelings with food. I discovered that I don’t like to feel at all. Once I had this revelation, I started writing more about my feelings instead of taking the bite. I started making more calls to fellows to talk about my feelings.

I finally decided that I was going to be abstinent for 90 days, and if I didn’t like this program I wasn’t going to stay. I thought that at least I could honestly say I tried the 90 days and decided to take my crummy life back.

There is just something magical about 90 days. It wasn’t that I woke up on day 90 and the birds were singing and the sun was shining brighter, but I was able to stand up and share my experience, strength, and hope with fellow sufferers. What I can tell you about 90 days is that it is a whole different experience and different level of participation in the program; it is what I had been missing out on by being selfish. But I also believe that I went through the hardship of getting 90 days, by the grace of God, because I have so much compassion for those who struggle to get just one day of abstinence.

With 90 days, I got a voice and a vote at business meetings and am now able to stay in my AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps) to get my full recovery. After six months, I have sponsees, and what a great blessing they are for me! I learn so much from them and I just love being of service. I now pass on my experience, strength, and hope to those who struggle with their first 90 days, thank you God.