A Story of Recovery:
Airport Travel in Recovery
Every time my husband and I have ever gone on vacation, by the time we got to our destination I was so full of resentment and fear that I could barely enjoy the trip. I would cope with the fear of leaving my kids by stopping in the first gift shop I saw at the airport to buy something full of sugar and fat. It was usually something I wouldn’t normally allow myself to eat. I would justify the financial and caloric expense because I was going on vacation. I never realized I was looking to numb the fear of something tragic happening and the worry that I might never see my children again. To me, the fear was very real and big; I really thought I might die while I was away from my children. I would write each one of my children a letter telling them how much I loved them and instructions for how to live their lives and stay close to God. I truly looked at those letters as possibly the last thing they would ever get from me, my last words of encouragement. I would picture them reading and re-reading those letters and the paper becoming worn. They would think of me fondly and miss me and I would look down on them from Heaven and be so grateful they had that last note from me.
Even with two years of abstinence, I still have those thoughts pop into my head when I’m on my way to the airport. I start thinking of stopping at the shops to get a treat. Looking back, it is funny that I would stop and buy something because my carry-on bag was already full of snacks. I had to have plenty of snacks on the plane because I also had a fear of something happening to the plane and being stuck on the tarmac for hours with nothing to eat. My fear of being hungry was so intense, it ruled my life. I was sure I was going to starve to death if I missed a meal. I’ll never forget the day my sponsor gave me my food plan and told me I would only be eating three meals a day. I panicked and asked what I would do if I got hungry. She said, “You’ll call me and we’ll talk about it. Remember, no one ever died of starvation between breakfast and lunch!”
I’m thankful to God for changing me one day at a time, one vacation at a time. As I was recently leaving my house heading to the airport to go on a cruise with my husband, my 10 year-old daughter said, “Mom did you write me a note?” “Do you want a note?” I asked. “Yes,” she responded. So, I wrote her a fun, light note telling her how much I loved her and to have fun while I was gone.
My children now have a mom who is present every day. If something does happen to me they will have the memories of an abstinent mother who has learned how to listen and ask questions. I can trust that no matter what happens, it is God’s will and he will take care of everyone. I don’t have to live in fear! Today I get to live in trust and action. I use my tools of recovery when those fears creep up. On the way to the airport, I was able to recognize my impulse to stop and get sugar as a “first thought”. I’ve learned I am not responsible for the first thought that comes into my head, I am only responsible for what I do with that thought. Instead of entertaining the thought and turning to fear, I texted my sponsor and she simply wrote back, “Silly disease!” That is all I needed to remember: I have a disease that wants to rule my life, but today I choose to have God in control and not the food.