A Story of Recovery:

Anatomy of a Relapse

When I came into FA in August 2006 at the age of 30, I was 5’ 4” tall and weighed 210 pounds. I heard that the disease of food addiction is threefold: mental, physical, and spiritual. Therefore, I understood that the solution as laid out in this program is also mental, physical, and spiritual.

But I can be a slow learner. I never fully surrendered to the spiritual and mental aspects of the program. I rarely took the suggested 30 minutes of quiet time, and my AA Big Book and my Twenty-Four Hours a Day book didn’t see much action. I made phone calls only when I felt like it, and I certainly didn’t ask my Higher Power for help.

One month after coming into program, my husband of 10 years and I separated. Sometimes I thought I would go out of my mind from the stress of it. We had a nine-month-old baby. Things got really ugly. But still, I would not let my Higher Power in.

I treated FA like a diet. I followed the food plan closely enough to lose almost 90 pounds, and managed to get to three committed meetings a week with a fair amount of consistency. I got thin for the first time in my life, but thin is not sane.

I did everything I thought I could get away with and still be “abstinent.” I seriously abused certain substances that some FA members can eat in moderation. I actually made myself ill on a regular basis from the sheer quantity I consumed. I rarely disclosed this and many other things to my sponsor; honesty was seriously lacking in my program. As a direct result of this extremely dishonest, sloppy, “my way” program, I had many breaks on flour, sugar, and quantities in my first 18 months. After a binge, I would “get back on the wagon,” but each time it got harder to do so.

Soon after my ex-husband left for good in late 2007, I left FA, positive that I could not do this program and be a 24/7 single mother. Many times during my 19-month relapse, I thought about coming back to FA. But the idea of getting to three meetings a week, with no family or support in the area, was too overwhelming. I did not have the open-mindedness or willingness to imagine it.

By November 2009, I came crawling back to Program, thoroughly humbled. I had to admit that “my way” had gotten me to an unmanageable life. I was finally ready to surrender to doing this program exactly as it is suggested—no short cuts or cut corners. During my relapse, I gained back 45 of the 90 pounds I had lost and knew that number was just going to keep going up. I was face down in the sugar, flour, and quantities. I was obsessed with how to eat and somehow still control my weight. For the first time in my life, I also began to drink alcoholically. I would guiltily sneak cigarettes, hiding from my child to get a nicotine fix. I also entered into a series of increasingly destructive, abusive, degrading relationships with men. And, I was many thousands of dollars in debt. That’s where “my way” had gotten me. I had to admit, my life was unmanageable.

My recovery today is so different from my first time in the program; it’s like night and day. Today I have put FA at the center of my life, not on the periphery. I am back down to my maintenance weight of 123 pounds, which is a miracle. By doing this program exactly as suggested, I not only get to enjoy the thin body, but I get some peace between my ears. This is because I practice the principles of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. Today I am rigorously honest with myself and with my sponsor. This is another miracle, as I was pretty sure I was one of those people that the AA Big Book talks about as being “constitutionally incapable of being honest.” Now I talk about not only what is going into my mouth, but what is in my head. I have the willingness to take my sponsor’s suggestions today and they always bring more peace and serenity, even if it sometimes feels scary in the moment. In my quiet time, I am learning to replace my relationship with food with a relationship with a Higher Power. For the first time in my life, I am learning to ask God for help throughout my day.

I am still a single mom and I hire babysitters two nights a week to get to my committed meetings (my son is with his father during my third meeting).  Sometimes I do feel guilty leaving my 4-year-old son for those two evenings a week, but I get to show up for him today as a sober, abstinent, healthy mom. In relapse, I remember reading him bedtime stories and just not being present. I could not wait to get through the story so he would go to sleep and I could eat and drink myself into a stupor. (He’s also thankful that mommy no longer eats his food!)

My son asks me sometimes why I go to meetings, and I tell him, “To learn how to be a better mommy.” And it is the truth. This program, the fellowship, my Higher Power all bring out the best in me.

Being a single parent in recovery is not easy. Some days I just break down and cry because it can be so lonely and so exhausting raising a child on my own, trying to make a living, and taking care of myself. In those moments, I pray for the strength not to eat, just for today, and I call an FA fellow. I think about all the blessings in my life and remember to practice gratitude. Those dark, despairing times pass so quickly for me when I am abstinent and honest.

The AA Big Book does not promise an easy life; it does promise that we will learn how to cope with “life on life’s terms.” It is truly a miracle that I am living life, one day at a time, without abusing my drug of choice. What I know today for certain is that with the loving support of this fellowship, and a deepening connection with my Higher Power, I can face every challenge abstinently and with dignity, and also experience true joy and gratitude for all the gifts in this life.