A Story of Recovery:

Asking and Thanking

I recently moved to be in a place with a strong fellowship and in close proximity to my sponsor. It is amazing to be able to have the time with her to ask question about food, the FA tools, and about how to live life abstinently.

I just finished driving to my sponsor’s new house for a visit. I spent two hours with her and thought that two hours with my sponsor was awesome. But then a tiny part of my brain said, “Gosh, what would it have been like if I had stayed for three!” Crazy. Two hours was perfect. Before FA, my brain did the same thing with the food. “Wow, one plate of dinner was really good, so imagine what a second plate of dinner would do for me.” And then I’d have that second plate and feel stuffed and uncomfortable and guilty that I’d eaten so much. To deal with those uncomfortable feelings, I’d eat even more food.

When I became bulimic it got even crazier. It was hard to find limits to my eating at all. Sometimes I would get so tired of eating and throwing up that I would pass out for a while. Then I’d come to and eat some more.

I have been abstinent from addictive eating for over four years. FA teaches me that if I want to get and stay abstinent, I need to check out my questionable behavior before doing it. I couldn’t do that in my addiction. I saw food in grocery stores? I’d open the packages and start eating it. Because food addiction is progressive, I kept learning to do crazier and crazier things with food. I remember, in my 30s, just walking into a random school and looking for food. I found the kitchen and started making breakfast beverages like I belonged there. I used to go to banking institutions just for their free snacks and beverages, and I remember the humiliation of being asked to leave. I recall going into an office building and raiding their breakroom fridge. It must have been really uncomfortable for those folks when they went to get their food and found it missing or tampered with. I am so thankful that in FA those behaviors have been arrested, one day at a time. One of the really cool things about being a food addict is that I now practice asking for help and saying thank you in all areas of my life. This is so powerful, although not always easy.

When I got to my new home and it became clear that my trusty car was on its last legs. I asked my sponsor and my fellows for guidance. I started the process of getting a new car. I tried financing, but was declined. My sponsor guided me to ask my parents for help in a clear, dignified way. They were able to help me. My FA fellowship, unbeknownst to me, took up a collection. I told my sponsor that I couldn’t accept the gift. She said, “Yes, you can.” And I did gratefully.

One of my fellows helped me look for cars, and my sponsor’s husband actually does a ministry where he helps people in need with car stuff for free. He kept sending me different cars to research and then helped teach me what to look for. Rather quickly, a reliable little car was found. My sponsor and her husband kept answering my barrage of questions, I kept weighing and measure my food and working all my tools every day, and it just all fell into place.

I had one emotional meltdown when I thought the car deal wouldn’t come through. I asked God for help and called my sponsor to help get out of the negativity and back into trusting God’s plan. “Susan, He has the perfect car for you.” She mentioned that I was having a spoiled brat tantrum. Totally! The feelings were huge, but I was able to see myself as a three-year old little girl freaking out because her  toy car had been taken away for two minutes.

It all evened out and I am still amazed when I look out there and see the beautiful red little car God slid into my parking space. I call her “Gracie” to remind myself that, like abstinence, the car is a gift from God. I am so very thankful.