A Story of Recovery:

Beyond Bulimia

When I weighed 212 pounds (about 96 kilograms) at age 17-18 years of age, I told myself I would never weigh that much ever again and that I would do anything to get that weight off. I began a diet in which I ate small amounts of protein every other day and I lived on sugarless snacks. I also bit my nails down to the quick until they bled and were infected and painful, but I couldn’t stop. I had to have something in my mouth all the time! My weight came down and I was starving.

My dad did the cooking in our family of eight, and he would make big pressure-cooker-size meals. The food would be simmering when I came home from school or work and I just couldn’t resist trying some. But I wouldn’t take just a taste. I remember one day when I ate three or four platefuls with a flour product to go with it. I was miserable; I hurt and I could hardly move. Afterward, I made it to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. A light went on in my head and I thought, I can eat anything I want and get rid of it after!

I didn’t realize I wasn’t the only one who had thought of this. Years later, I read about a famous singer from the 70s who died of a disease called bulimia, and I found out that she ate huge amounts of food, purged it up, and then she would starve herself. I realized that is what I did also.

I wondered what to do. I was married with children. I needed to tell my husband, but didn’t want him to know what I was doing. Would he tell me to leave? Would he hate me? Where we live we have a septic system and we have it pumped out quite often. My husband thought it was because of the two big trees in the front yard and that their roots were getting into the septic system. I didn’t want him to think anything else, but I finally told him that I had been eating huge quantities of food and throwing up in the toilet. He told me that this explained why we had to get the septic tank pumped out so often. He didn’t shame me and he didn’t tell me to leave. He asked me, “What do you need me to do to help you?” Tears came down my face. I thought that if this wasn’t unconditional love, I didn’t know what was. 

I went to counseling, eating disorder groups, outpatient clinics, OA (Overeaters Anonymous), Weight Watchers, read magazine articles and books, and listened to tapes. I wanted a quick fix.  However, I knew that it didn’t take overnight to get where I was, and it wouldn’t take overnight to get well. My thinking was a mess. I lied, cheated, stole, and manipulated to get what I wanted. I am an addict in more than one way, and was addicted to alcohol, smoking, shopping, and anything that made me feel good for the moment. I hated what I was doing to myself, I knew it was unhealthy, and I was depressed. I was put on more and more meds.

My bingeing and purging became more and more frequent and sometimes I would binge and purge all day long if I could get away with it, often over 10 to 20 times a day or more. I quit counting because it was too depressing. 

God finally brought me to FA, even though I didn’t like the way it was run. I came from AA and they were doing the meetings differently, so I thought they weren’t doing them right. But I saw recovery. The people sharing in front of the room were calm, serene, and peaceful. I saw people who had a solution to their problem. They talked about abstinence.  But I still went on with my miserable way of life for a while and would show up occasionally to a meeting. I finally got a sponsor and my recovery began. I wasn’t bingeing and purging anymore, and I started seeing life differently. I became more trusting, caring, loving, patient, joyful, peaceful, serene, content, and thankful. 

I have gone back several times to the old way of life of bingeing and purging, hating myself, not trusting, not caring, and not loving, and when I did, all the negatives came back into my life. I went back on meds, and it got worse and worse. I was scared, but I turned my back on FA, just like I turned my back on God.  I kept going to meetings feeling miserable, feeling like a failure. I felt like I would never be able to get back-to-back abstinence. Finally, I did have some years of abstinence behind me, but then I again took my will back. I almost gave up on myself. 

I don’t have years behind me right now of back-to-back abstinence, but I do have years and years of being molded into the woman God wants me to be. He never gives up on me! I would not be here today without the love of the fellowship that kept welcoming me back and encouraging me, even when I would let them down by not being able to give back to the program.  I have been abstinent now for close to six months and I believe that I have totally committed myself to being honest, open, and willing. I do Program is it has been laid out for me. My life is full. With God’s grace, I am able to give back what I have been given. I get strength from God and my fellowship. Today I have tools to use whenever I get out of sorts, and the tool of writing helps me to understand myself better. I kept coming back and the “miracle” has happened.