A Story of Recovery:

Bitter or Better

Several years ago I was in a serious car accident and broke all the vertebrae in my neck, with severe impact to the spinal cord. I was in critical care for weeks before they could even do surgery. My family had been told that I would never walk again, but during surgery the doctor discovered that it was an incomplete spinal cord injury, and that with lengthy rehabilitation I had a chance to walk again. He said it would take a lot of hard work, but it could be done.

I was in two years of physical rehabilitation, five days a week. I had to learn everything over again: how to dress myself, write, feed myself (an important activity), etc. With all I went through to fight my way back to health, mentally, spiritually and physically, I still couldn’t stop eating. Hadn’t I proved I was a person of will power through this experience? Even the doctors had lauded me. The pain management clinic was impressed as I quickly, with fierce determination, weaned myself of all pain medication. But I could not stop eating. Shame on me! I had bargained with God in the hospital that if He would help me get through this accident, this time I would appreciate my health and take good care of myself.

When I look back at that time in the hospital, I see that my disease of food addiction was very active. The first thing I remember thinking when I regained consciousness was, “Did they weigh me? Did my husband hear how much I weighed?” In the past, going to the doctor meant the humiliation of being weighed. Here I was in a life-or-death situation, and my mind was consumed with fear that I had been weighed!

I was in the hospital for several months, and as I was checking out, the hospital staff person came by to take my order of food for the next week. When I told her I was actually going home the next day, she said she was sad to see me leave because I was the only patient who was excited when she came by to take the food order. She said I was the only one who didn’t complain about the hospital food.

I came into FA hopeless beyond description. There was just nowhere else to turn. I believed I had tried everything in the way of diets and that I had spent a fortune, only to end up with more weight gain and certainly less self-esteem. It was scary to try again. How many “last suppers” had I experienced, only to begin the new diet on Monday and be off of it by the end of the day? I had failed so many times, but how hard could it be? I just needed will power. Shoot, I even had the “want power” this time. I just didn’t know if I had any more attempts left in me, but I thought this time might be different…one last time.  I liked the cost of FA, and the anonymity was a plus.

I hadn’t known I had a disease of food addiction, a disease that would need a daily rehabilitation, not just for two years, but for the rest of my life.  Just like my neck injury, my food addiction would require me to do my part—mentally, spiritually, and physically. Just as the medical personnel would help me to know what to do, my FA fellows would help me through. I didn’t have to do it alone, but it would require me to do the exercises of recovery: writing my food down, weighing and measuring, calling my sponsor and fellows, attending meetings, reading, writing, and service. I had spent time feeling sorry for myself about my neck injury and then about finding out I had the disease of addiction. But it was my choice if I wanted to get better or be bitter. Today I cannot afford to waste my energy wallowing. I am grateful I can get better and that there is something God and I can do together to help my quality of life improve in every way.

I am forever grateful for the miracle of my recovery from the car accident. While I live in continual pain today as a result of my permanently crooked neck, I am grateful I can walk, but I am equally grateful for the gift of my recovery in FA.

I have lived all my life with an undiagnosed disease that I thought was my fault. I am awed at the opportunity to not only walk again, but also to soar in body, mind, and spirit. Today, with God’s help and the gift of my rehabilitative recovery in FA, I am keeping my bargain and finally doing my part to be healthy, thank You God!