A Story of Recovery:

Breaking the Obsession

Before I was abstinent, the idea of ever getting free from food was as impossible and unlikely as hitching a ride to the moon.

I was never very interested in food as a child, but got the idea that I was fat and ugly and should get thinner. So as a teen, I got into starving myself. This progressed to starving and bingeing, then dieting and bingeing, then being unable to diet or control my eating by the time I was 25. Whatever I was doing with food, whether I was under 100 pounds or more than 300 pounds, my thoughts were never far from the obsession about it. FA broke the obsession. I handed my food over to the scales and a sponsor.

I fought the FA Program for 10 years. I got abstinent a few times for a few years, and twice lost a large amount of weight (at least 140 pounds), but then picked up food again. My surrender and handing over my will and my life to G-d was the issue. Rather than making the tools and disciplines of FA the structure within which the rest of my life could expand and flourish, I often took on the daily actions reluctantly. I really could not remember how serious and life threatening my eating was.

I struggled for 14 months. I worried. Will I make it? Am I desperate enough? Am I truly willing? I had reached a stage where I really couldn’t answer those questions at all. The only thing I knew was that my life had been very difficult. Despite my many resources, I could not bring them together to get on my feet again. I had also regained 140 pounds in seven months. I finally just said, “Help me!”

In May 2009, at 275 pounds, I finally got abstinent. When I was given the food plan, I wondered if I was ready for this, if I was ready to give up certain favorite foods. I was told to just try it for today. So I did. It was quite tough at first. Not long before meals, my thoughts went to what products I might like to eat. While not sure about higher powers, I found myself saying to G-d, “Look, if you want me to do this, then take these thoughts away!” Miraculously, the thoughts went.

I learned to speak kindly to myself, get a drink of water or herbal tea, and tell myself a meal was coming soon. Sometimes food thoughts and cravings arose when I was upset, sad, tired, confused, or angry. I got to spot these and take necessary actions. Other times, I said, “Please take the thoughts away!” And, I found that at some point in the first 90 days, food cravings and food thoughts stopped coming. I learned that I have to be careful to eat within the time limits suggested. My old habit was to leave very long gaps between eating. If I eat at proper intervals, I am looking after myself and not putting my abstinence at risk.

For ninety days, I had a chance to sit and be still in meetings and hear what it had been like for the speakers, how they had come to their recovery, and how their lives are now as they work the FA program abstinently. I was able to contribute to the meeting by standing up and reading. I could also show up abstinent, give rides occasionally, and make calls to ask how another person was doing. These things made me feel part of FA.

At first, I sometimes I wished for a different food choice. I then told myself to let it go for now, that there was another meal coming soon. The twenty-four hour plan has become real to me in FA. I know that things pass. Difficult events and feelings pass, food cravings and wishes pass. Tomorrow is a new day. Getting to bed abstinent is a wonderful achievement for someone like me, who has struggled for so long.

When abstinence is hard, the 90 days can seem like a real hurdle. It can be tempting to turn the pain of it back on the program, criticize FA, and fight all the suggestions and guidelines, rather than look inward.

What I learned was that the principles of the program will provide the way through when I am open to them and take the right actions. I really learned in my first 90 days that I need all the tools of the program. I lost nearly 50 pounds in that time and my mind and spirit became clearer and happier.