A Story of Recovery:

Bridge of Hope

The hardest thing about the first 90 days in FA was every single part of it – the readings, the phone calls, the agonizing stretch of time between breakfast and lunch. I would have never suffered through those indignities had it not been a matter of life and death for me. It was. 

 The week before I came into FA, I was prepared to end my life by jumping off a bridge onto a 4-lane highway.  I figured if the fall didn’t kill me, the fast moving traffic would take care of the rest.  Every day while commuting over the bridge, I pictured the scenario in my mind. I imagined climbing over the railing, feeling the wind shake my balance, summoning the courage to lean forward and let go. I felt a rush of relief each time I ran through the fantasy.  

 I never once considered the damage a 130-pound falling body would do to a car. I never thought of it from the driver’s point of view, or pictured the multi-car pile-up that could claim countless lives in addition to my own. I only thought of ending my own discomfort. It wasn’t until after 90 days of abstinence that I realized I could have injured other people with my suicide.  

 My obsession with food made it impossible for me to think about anyone other than myself. I hated myself. I hated the way I ate, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop thinking about food. Once I started thinking about food, I couldn’t keep from eating it. Waking up to another day of eating and obsession seemed like too much to bear.  Thank God that somewhere inside of me I held out a small piece of hope. If I can somehow stop binging, I thought, I might not have to kill myself.  

 I came into FA because I had the tiniest hope that the program might give me a reprieve from binging. I couldn’t imagine any solution lasting longer than a month or even a week. Still, I would do anything to get even a few days rest.  Managing my food for the first 90 days was very hard. I kept at it because I noticed that every morning crossing that bridge over the highway got easier. At first I felt hope that there might be a solution for me. Little by little I started to have faith. By the end of 90 days I did not want to climb over the railing anymore. I found myself more interested in crossing the bridge, getting on with my day, facing life on the other side.  

FA gave me a new chance at life. I am still new in this program, and I’m often overwhelmed by the things that I don’t know. But I’m grateful that the bridge doesn’t feel like a stopping point anymore. I’m interested in seeing what life is like on the other side.