A Story of Recovery:

Caregiving in Recovery

Two years before I found FA, I was about 180 pounds, taking care of everyone but myself and then losing myself in the food at the end of each day. No matter how hard I tried to control my eating, I couldn’t resist the need to reward myself with more, or self-soothe my anger with sweets.

Then I discovered that my estranged mom was a victim of abuse and neglect at the hands of her so-called “friends.” She needed family support as well as complex care for her longtime alcoholism and untreated bipolar illness, so my siblings and I arranged to move her out to the West Coast and I reluctantly became her primary caregiver. She frequently sought time together or showed love by asking to go out to eat, and I would oblige, even though it was often rife with conflict, especially when she ordered a drink or two.

Meanwhile, one of my young daughters was struggling in school, causing me great distress. I worried that she was showing signs similar to my mom. Between caring for them and working at a full time job, I became a shell of myself on the inside, but grew in size to 192 pounds (87 kilos). While I ran errands and drove my daughters to dance and theater practice, I consumed bags of snacks. At dinner, I would heap my plate once and take seconds, even though I wasn’t physically hungry. I didn’t understand how my husband could take a few bites and was soon full. He’d say, “I just eat till the hunger pains go away.” Ha! I had no hunger pains, but that was because I never let myself get truly hungry. I had an insatiable appetite, and after dinner, any remaining bits of food went into my mouth. I would tell myself, this is not worth saving… but I can’t throw it away…so I stored it in my body instead. Then, I’d be back in the fridge an hour later looking for something more, hating myself for doing it once again.

When a friend lost 80 pounds (36 kilos) and told me about FA, I jumped on it. I usually sought to lose weight through healthier eating and increased cardio, but with that, I only had minimal success which never lasted. What captured my attention was that my friend said FA addressed the mental, emotional and spiritual basis for my eating.

I struggled with the term “food addict,” because it seemed extreme. Having a mother who was alcoholic, I saw great irony in seeking help in a Twelve Step program. She was the alcoholic, not me. So I was wary.

But, FA did work for me. Miraculously, I was able to weigh and measure my food from day one. My people-pleasing tendencies ensured that I sought my new sponsor’s approval, and I couldn’t stand the embarrassment of reporting to her anything other than eating exactly what I had committed. Day One with a sponsor, I ate abstinently, then the next, then the next. My mother scoffed, “Oh you sound like those AA people.” And “I could never stay with it.” She still wanted to eat out all the time, but I now pushed back, serving her abstinent meals at our house instead. Over the course of eight months I lost 60 pounds (27 kilos). Later, I lost a little more and am now at a healthy weight of 128 pounds (58 kilos). I have been abstinent more than 11 years, thank you, God!

The FA program has changed my life and helped me achieve a much needed personality change. Working the Twelve Steps allowed me to begin to release the anger, resentment and self-pity I’d carried for decades.  I had blamed my mother’s erratic, neglectful and alcoholic behavior on everything wrong in my life. Growing up, life at home was unpredictable and at times traumatic. She had divorced my father when I was an infant, then married four more husbands. At 42 years old with six children; she was widowed, despondent and drinking.  Child Protective Services visited us as a result of a call by a neighbor.  Things must have looked pretty chaotic. It certainly felt that way. A year later, she packed up and moved 1200 miles away. Refusing to go with her, I insisted on I finishing out my senior year at my familiar school. I stayed behind with family friends. Yet, I felt abandoned by her, intensely angry and lost. In later years, she was rarely a support for me, not even when I had my children. More often than not, she created problems and we had to fix them.

Working my spiritual program allowed me to gently unpack those sad memories and the other demons that fueled my food addiction. In recovery, I learned to heal my wounds. We do not regret the past, nor do we shut the door on it.

In the decade after I found FA, my mother and I transformed our relationship. I learned to appreciate the emotional and physical pain she endured and accept that she was never to be some June Cleaver idea of a mother. Finally, I let go of that magical thinking.

Last year, she decided to move back to where we grew up. She was leaving me now in California to return to the place she had left me my senior year. I grieved all over again and then realized it wasn’t about me. I did not eat over it. Instead I worked through it in an AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps). I even helped her pack. We shared tearful goodbyes, then I missed her.

Soon after moving Back East, she suffered an injury that left her immobilized, in severe pain, and fully dependent on others. Twice she was revived in the ICU. I prayed daily for the relief of her suffering and the strength to endure whatever comes. I traveled across the country to see her, and I sat by her side in the rehab facility, just being present. It astonished me that I could wash her hair and clean her nails with tenderness and care never available to me before. All this for my mother, whom I once blamed for all my rage and pain. I grieved her loss of mobility and dreams cut short, but I did not eat over it. I packed my abstinent meals, qualified at local meetings, and cried with fellows I barely knew. Outreach calls became my lifeline to process intense feelings. With my sponsor’s help, I was able to share caregiving with my siblings, get on a plane for home, and make arrangements to return again.

I accepted that I was not in charge. I let go, and I let God handle it. Sadly, she passed away, and I was able to be there to say goodbye, grateful to have all my siblings with me. She is truly in a better place now, free from pain, no longer limited by her broken body, reunited with the love of her life. She is free. I am grateful to her; since I was able to make amends while she was alive, I am free as well. My siblings asked me to say the prayers at the services, saying, “you are the most spiritual of all of us,” which felt like the greatest compliment I could hope for. Thanks again to FA and to my Higher Power.

In spite of losing her, I am fundamentally happy. The FA program has offered me abstinence, grace, healing and recovery, and I accept all these as gifts. My blessings are so great, and my love of my mom so genuine. I wouldn’t give up FA for anything.