A Story of Recovery:

Carting Away Fear

I am 36 and have been bingeing and purging for 18 years. My life was a confusing mess, and I occasionally landed in jails and in mental hospitals. I would not leave my house unless I was eating or was on meds or drugs, which is why I had originally asked a sponsor for help. I had a lot of breaks at first, but I just kept making my calls, going to meetings, and doing all that was suggested.

One day, my sponsor suggested that I try a new supermarket. I started to experience fear and worry. I was worried it would be too expensive, although my sponsor thought that it actually might be less expensive than the store I had been going to, with nicer quality food. I was also scared because there are stylish, trendy people at that store, and I was concerned that I would feel “less than.” Mostly, I was reluctant to follow my sponsor’s suggestions instead of following my own ideas. Yet, I realized that following my own ideas and my own will led me to bulimia, suicidal thoughts, addiction, and homelessness. And, I realized: what did I know about being abstinent?

I made calls and talked with my fellows about my fear and resistance, which got me to the door of the supermarket. I got inside and was doing okay, until I started getting freaked out by the unfamiliarity of it. Then I got overwhelmed because I couldn’t find the produce I needed. My mind was fogged by fear and I couldn’t think. I didn’t know what to do. The bathroom was occupied, so I went outside and called my sponsor.

Oh the joy! The relief! The direction. I went back in and retrieved my abandoned cart. I was able to get all of my food, and then I safely left the store. I felt the awe of being taken care of. In this program, things can start out really scary, but there is always help—always!

If I just reach out and keep asking for help, it is there, and then I can do things that I never have been able to do in my life. Today I can go to stores, ask for repairs I need for my apartment, make appointments, drive and maintain a car, do laundry, and learn to communicate in a positive way. All these hallmarks of a healthy life were impossible, due to my fear.

Now I have been abstinent, by the grace of God, for a year. Wow. Each day is a new adventure in freedom, my mind is clearer and my hope grows. I am so grateful.