It was time to do the annual clothes change over from winter to summer. My husband and I were also getting ready to leave for Florida to visit my mother-in-law for the long holiday weekend. I had experienced a long, busy week, so I was packing for the trip and switching my clothes at the same time. I knew I needed summer items for Florida. Due to the crunch, I did not have time to try on any of my summer clothes that had been packed in away in storage the previous fall. In the past, this would have sent me into a panic. I came into FA weighing 287 pounds. My highest weight read 297 (right before I stopped weighing). Switching clothes for the summer season in the past was a dreaded, anxiety-ridden affair. Each year I knew it was time to “face the music” and admit how much... Continue Reading
I was always obsessed with how much I weighed and how my body looked. I constantly sized myself up in mirrors or tried to avoid them altogether. I battled with what I should put in my mouth and with the guilt that followed eating something that I “shouldn’t have.” My self-esteem was tied to my weight. When I walked into a room, or when I encountered another person, I played the “compare and despair” game. If you were thinner that I was, you were the better person; if you were heavier, I was the better person. I could not look anyone in the eye when I was feeling fat, which was almost always, because even when I was five pounds overweight, I felt fat. I even felt fat when I had eaten something that I thought I shouldn’t have eaten. I felt guilty, and was afraid that you would see... Continue Reading
One aspect of my food addiction is obsession with weight and thinness. Before coming into FA, I was never satisfied with myself, even when my weight was normal (which was maybe for a week or two). I was unhappy because my stomach stuck out. In the beginning of my recovery, when I was 27 years old, I lost too much weight. I can admit to that now, but at the time, I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. I was 5′ 5″ tall and got down to about 113 pounds. I looked like a teenage boy, with no body curves. I remember sitting next to a friend in my AWOL meeting and gloating about how wonderful I felt in such a thin body. She turned to me and said, in no uncertain terms, “That’s not attractive!” I just blew it off, dismissing her words. Thank God that woman eventually became my... Continue Reading
