Posts about Exercise Addiction

The Last Binge

I heard at a meeting once that to forget your last binge could be fatal.  At the time, I was concerned by that statement because I don’t remember my last binge, as it was not overeating that brought me into FA, but the torment of restriction. I understand now that my last period of restriction was my “last binge,” and forgetting it could result in my returning to the food, and, ultimately, progressive insanity or death. I was 26 and dry in AA (Alcoholic Anonymous) for a year. I still smoked marijuana when I could, took various psychiatric medications which I had manipulated my doctor into prescribing, and was using food full force. In the early months of not drinking, my weight peaked at its highest level ever, and I felt horrendous—fat, ugly, dirty, and ashamed. My reaction to this was to restrict my food and over exercise, a pattern... Continue Reading

 


 

Don’t Leave No Matter What

I didn’t come into willingly. I was very angry and full of remorse and resentments. I weighed 347 pounds. However, that was not my top weight. I had been 360 pounds prior to my Vertical Banded Gastroplasty better known as a VBG. I lost 80 pounds in 3 months and it was back before I knew it was ever off my body. The surgeon recommended a support group for all patients who had the weight loss surgery. My life was a mess. I was over indulging in flour and sugar products after exercising vigorously on the elliptical machine.  I would be in excruciating pain. Nonetheless, I would go over to the Walgreens and buy six of the sugar products they had on sale. The more exercise I did, the more I ate. I felt like the exercise gave me permission to eat whatever I wanted. One day I met this... Continue Reading

 


 

Running on Empty

The day of high school homecoming last year was also the day of the choir car wash, the cross-country race, and the dance. I woke up early, ate a very small breakfast, and put on my uniform. The entire time I was at the car wash, all I could think about was my appearance: How do my legs look? Am I flexing enough? I hope I don’t look bloated. I even insisted on wearing my spandex to show off my muscles instead of wearing my sweatpants in the 50-degree weather. In addition to being a food addict and an over scheduling addict, I was also a compulsive runner. I left the car wash early to warm up for the race. On the way, I ate three flour/sugar products when I was only supposed to eat one. I reasoned that I could not eat lunch or I would throw up when... Continue Reading

 


 

Dreaming about Food

I am almost two years into program, with over seven months of abstinence.  I have lost my weight and am feeling good. Fundamentally, all is well. But then, some stress over work comes up, and I find myself eating mouthfuls of flour and sugar, and then deciding I just won’t tell my sponsor! Thankfully, I am having a “food dream.” Or, rather, a nightmare! I wake up in a cold sweat with my heart racing. The images of picking up and eating the very things I know can destroy me and send me spiraling back down into my addictive thinking and eating patterns was definitely nothing short of a nightmare – a floury, sugary, food nightmare. I know now that when I am experiencing anxiety in my day-to-day life, negative thoughts and fears start to creep in. These things are powerful and manifest themselves in my subconscious thoughts. I guess... Continue Reading

 


 

From Over-Exercising to Serenity: A Return to Play

I used to love to swim in the ocean. As a child I spent many years living near the beach and was always happy to go swimming. I liked to dive into the waves, to swim far out and watch the people on the shore. I would stay out there for hours – the sense of floating, of being lifted up by the waves, of swimming with or against the current were all fun for me. As my disease progressed, I went from bingeing and dieting in my teens to gaining 30 pounds and then battling to lose the weight. I discovered bulimia and excessive exercise and spent my 20s and 30s bingeing, throwing up, running 10 miles at a time, and lifting weights for hours at the gym; the weight was managed by these drastic methods. I found FA 10 years ago, but kept breaking my abstinence, and the... Continue Reading