Eight months ago it would have been absolutely impossible for me to be able to sit quietly, gather my thoughts, and write about them. My body was so exhausted from three-hour-a-day workouts. My life had ground to a halt. I had long since given up on college due to my lack of focus and long hours spent bingeing in the food court, followed by a thorough purge and teeth brushing. That stuff takes time! When I was as miserable as one is after a huge binge/purge, my immediate priority was to seek comfort. Therefore, I ate more food. I could be starving or full and confuse one for the other. I worked full-time at my part-time job as a manager at a grocery store, and I was usually in a completely dazed “stay away from food” frenzy while on the clock. My evenings consisted of all-out flour/sugar fiestas, and my... Continue Reading
I had a beautiful baby and an amazing husband, and all I wanted was to be alone and eat. I couldn’t stop the crazy cycle of bingeing, purging, and laxative and exercise abuse. At my worst, I took up to 60 laxative pills per week and vomited so violently that I burst the blood vessels in the skin around my eyes. I also manipulated my doctor into giving me prescriptions for antidepressants and other drugs that had weight loss as a side effect. Every time I finished a binge, I swore that the next day I would just eat normally. I vowed it was the last time. I would lay in bed at night, hating myself for not being able to control myself when it came to food. I lived a lie. On the outside I had a thin body. In public I ate normal portions, but behind closed doors... Continue Reading
I had been in another food recovery program off and on for about 14 years, but had been out in the “wilderness” of addictive eating for nine years before I found FA. While in the other program, I’d have periods of “abstinence,” but there wasn’t any true recovery, because my will remained firmly in place. I did recognize that the way people were talking about their eating behaviors and their relationship with food in that program was how I used food and thought about food. But I believed that the Twelve-Step recovery program was the only chance I had of finding relief from compulsive eating. However, I did not surrender to a power greater than myself. I had been over-exercising, trying to burn some of the calories I was consuming, and was experiencing chronic pain as a result. I knew it was only a matter of time before I would... Continue Reading
I had been around a program for people with food compulsions for a few years, and for a while could practice binge maintenance. I was essentially eating what I wanted for a couple of days and getting “abstinent” again (under eating, really) while over-exercising. As this became more and more difficult, I became more desperate. It was inevitable that without a real solution, I would start vomiting again. That part of my disease had progressed tremendously. I had heard about people working the FA program but did not feel that I was bad enough to have to do that. When the day came that I realized I was that bad, I was bitter and depressed. I was not happy to finally surrender to this program. I sat in the back of the rooms with my arms folded and hated everyone, especially myself. Thirty days. I was going to give this... Continue Reading
Surrender—a word I have been defining and re-defining since I came into FA seven years ago. Did you catch that? A word I have been defining? I have been re-defining? Every time someone suggested I surrender—could be anything—I tried to figure out just what that meant. Time and again, I came up with a definition that went something like this: To surrender: do it (whatever “it” happened to be) someone else’s way this time, then next time I get to do it my way. It is a process of negotiation, compromise, barter. For example, when I first came through the doors of FA I was vegetarian and about 15 pounds underweight. Before the person I had tapped for a sponsor agreed to sponsor me, she asked me two questions: “Are you willing to be open-minded about being vegetarian?” and, “Are you willing to be open-minded about your weight? Translation: Are... Continue Reading
