I always resented being fat. I never fully accepted responsibility for what I put in my mouth and how it showed up on my body. All my life I had been told that I was “statuesque,” “big-boned,” and had “child-bearing hips.” My mother was overweight, and so was her mother, and I was told that heavy women run in our family. It really didn’t seem to me as though I could do anything about my weight. So I ate to numb the pain of the rough hand life had dealt me. At age 55, standing 5’7” tall and weighing around 270 pounds, I really resented the doctor telling me I was morbidly obese, that the knee replacement surgery I had hoped for to cure my arthritis could not be done unless I lost some weight, that I was pre-diabetic, and probably had sleep apnea. I also suffered from a litany... Continue Reading
My sponsor suggested that I stop watering my lawn. What? What does my lawn have to do with my abstinence? At the time, I was very tired, relentlessly looking for work, anxious about my dwindling bank account, and over $13000 in credit card debt. I was resentful about not being able to pay for yard help or house help and about living in less than clean and beautiful surroundings. I felt guilty if chores took me away from job hunting and guilty if chores got ignored. With meetings phone calls, shopping, chopping, reading, and praying, I could just never do enough! However, I took my sponsor’s suggestion and stopped watering my lawn, which turned out to be a wise suggestion. It saved me about $50 a month. When I stopped watering lawn, it stopped needing to be mowed, and I didn’t need to replace the lawnmower I had just broken... Continue Reading
At 37 years old, I am going through the FA “change of life.” After a year in Program, I now realize that my Higher Power can do amazing things in just a “mini-pause” before I react. My previous reactions to life brought my weight up to 340 pounds. As appalling as that was, my behavior was even more notorious. I was full of anger at my own weakness and inabilities, and my anger spewed out onto family, friends, and co-workers. The people I cared for the most bore the brunt of my depression and insanity. My reaction to everything was instantaneous and uncontrollable. Instant thoughts of food led to instant eating. Instant realization of unfilled expectations led to instant criticism. Neither the food nor my outbursts were gratifying. I felt completely powerless over my reactions. My actions were instant, but the self-loathing over those reactions lingered and multiplied. Being willing... Continue Reading
I never in a million years thought that I would be walking through so many changes in my life. I never thought that I would be relieved of the 130 pounds that were keeping me from living life. Above all, I never thought that I’d be writing about it more than three-and-a-half years later, still standing, and still thin. Before I “came to” in FA, I was a walking zombie. I was living all of the clichés that one hears prior to joining Program. I was living to eat. I would pray that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning, because I just could not face another day. My coping mechanisms were reduced to eating away my pain with anything that I could get my hands on to numb my negative emotions. When I was happy, I ate anyway, because I wanted to prolong the feeling, only to later crash... Continue Reading
My daughter’s thirtieth birthday was earlier this month, and she wanted a special family birthday. She asked me to invite the whole family for the entire day to celebrate, play board games, watch home movies, hang out, and eat family meals together. Although I usually serve guests the same food as I eat, this time I did end up cooking two other special dishes for my family. They finished one of the dishes, but there were leftovers of a special Jewish dish that was a tradition in my family when I was growing up. When everyone left that evening, I kept asking them to take the leftovers, but they did not. There I was with the leftover dish. I stood in my kitchen with thoughts racing in my head about maybe freezing it, or using it as a base for something that I could cook for my family. I even... Continue Reading
