Like many people, I grew up celebrating holidays and family gatherings around an elaborate dinner table. I also celebrated birthdays, promotions, and various “wins” with special treats. I drowned my wounded heart and life’s other disappointments with nights out on the town. My thinking was so backwards that I used food items to reward myself for successfully staying on my diet. Inevitably, however, I would give up on the diet and go straight for the treats. Needless to say, I was not a successful dieter. After 20 years of using food as the ultimate reward, my eating was on autopilot, and it brought me no pleasure. I ate even when my eating became a form of torture, because I would berate myself after every binge and every failed decision to eat better. I was humiliated as I tried to fit in chairs, buckle seatbelts, and complete other tasks people under... Continue Reading
I had a day yesterday when I simply didn’t want to be a food addict. If I had my druthers, I wouldn’t be. Nonetheless, the big difference between yesterday and the days before I was in FA, was that I didn’t eat. Instead, I woke up this morning with energy and hope and no self-loathing for having binged away all the uncomfortable feelings I was having. Two-and-a-half-years ago, when I weighed 275 pounds, I can vividly recall thinking that I would have done anything to be in a normal body—anything. Yesterday I reminded myself that my “anything” is working the tools my program gives me, which is a small price to pay for being in a right-sized body and, even better yet, a right-sized mind. I’ve been at my goal weight for nine months. Staying in place is a new experience for me, because I am used to losing and... Continue Reading
I was near my top weight when my oldest son was married in 1998. I was nearing my goal weight when my youngest son got married. The dresses that I wore are metaphors for my life before and after recovery. Wedding #1 Shopping for a dress for my oldest son’s wedding was a painful experience. I knew that my future daughter-in-law needed to know what color I had chosen in order to continue with her planning, but the whole prospect of looking for something to fit me had me paralyzed. Here I was, near my top weight of 293 pounds, and I couldn’t even stand the pain of looking in the mirror. How many times had I faced a rack of clothes in the plus-size section and known that I was going to look hideous in any one of the things that I tried on? The hopelessness of selecting something... Continue Reading
The term, “Keep it simple,” mocked me as I felt the sizzle of heartburn announce that my latest concoction of herbs and spices was not agreeing with my stomach. My program encourages simplicity and neutrality around food. However, it seemed when I put down sugar, I picked up salt—the other “white stuff.” While my food was always abstinent, I made sure it looked and tasted good. So when I cooked, I would shake on the seasonings with a generous hand. After a visit to the doctor, he confirmed that I had acid reflux disease. It was probably an outcome of my years of binge eating that took me to 276 pounds. Now that I have come into FA, lost over 100 pounds, and am eating good food, I somehow did not expect to deal with the consequences of my past eating habits. My body seems happiest when my food is... Continue Reading
Self-care sounds great in theory—bubble and pedicures; but in real life, self-care is dealing with life on life’s terms, even when those terms are in the form of a world-altering pandemic. My history, along with binge eating, is one of negativity. Alcoholics Anonymous states “[The grouch and the brainstorm] may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.” For me, the “brainstorm” includes fear, negativity, anger, and self-pity and whole host of other character defects. This is not to say I never venture down those paths—I am human; however, if I engage in negativity for too long, it will lead me back into the ultimate poison–food. I don’t have TV, but I have become very selective of the media sources I read, and I have also pooled all my work emails related to the pandemic so I can read them at set times during... Continue Reading
