At 31 my life looked like this: accounting degree graduate, single mom of a five year old son and I weighed 313 pounds (that wouldn’t end up being my highest). I attempted to sit for the Certified Public Accountant (CPA) exam, a rigorous series of six four-hour tests at that time. However, I was still face-down into the food, so although I spent the money on the books they were merely table mats for my constant snacking. The flour-sugar fog prevented any productive learning from taking place. At one point, I rented video lectures and audio taped them to listen to in the car (yes, back when cars had tape decks) but all the popping sounds of canned drinks and crinkling sounds of plastic bags muted out the lectures. Fellow graduates would ask to borrow the tapes, but I refused, being too embarrassed they that would hear the constant eating.... Continue Reading
Before I go any further, I should tell you, I’ve never been in a real prison; not the kind you are thinking, anyway. I’ve never even had any trouble with the law. No, my prison was of my own making. I had built it up around me, one block and one bar at a time. By the time I was well into middle age, I was securely “locked up,” with no escape in sight. When I was young, as far back as I can recall, I was called “fat boy,” “tubby,” and other unkind names, more than I care to mention here. There is an old saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Well, truth be known, the names did hurt me; at least they hurt my feelings. The name calling got me into trouble because I would retaliate. Despite my size, I... Continue Reading
Starting over is always painful. I have been in this wonderful fellowship for 8 years, and in that span, I have had to start over four times. This time was no different. It was not FA that stopped working for me; it was I who stopped working the program. The food was the last to go. It started when I let the gifts of the program take me away from the program. There were other things that I just didn’t want to miss, so I would connect with two people on the phone instead of three, and my committed meetings suddenly weren’t as “committed.” My quiet time was not as peaceful with my “to do” list running through my mind, and 30 minutes became 27. I read my Big Book much too late and fell asleep on it. Now, this didn’t not happen all at once, nor every day. It... Continue Reading
Dr. C. is a bright young ocular surgeon with a sparkling smile and numerous Ivy League degrees. I am so grateful my higher power cleared my way to her. I believed all my health issues were solved by a hundred pound weight loss and 18 months of abstinence in FA. All my doctors were delighted, my medical tests were stellar, I was taken off all my medications as well as CPAP. Until, my previous ophthalmologist diagnosed diabetic retinopathy and fear overwhelmed me. My years of diabetic denial and addictive eating had fired a consequential bullet not so easily dodged. The doctor recommended immediate laser eye surgery in two days. At the clinic door, the day of the planned surgery, I hesitated – terrified. During childhood, my beloved grandmother slowly went blind and losing my sight was my greatest fear. It took a moment, but I managed a deep breath and... Continue Reading
I am lover of the ocean. I’ve been sold from the very first time I jumped into the South Pacific Ocean, in 2012 during my honeymoon to Costa Rica. My body felt good because the water supported my weight. Just being around the ocean ignited me. If I could, I would float in the ocean day and night. My husband liked the water, but it wasn’t love. At that time I was close to 240 pounds. During that trip, we stayed at an all-inclusive resort in Drake’s Bay, which had several activities you could choose from: hiking, horseback riding, snorkeling, etc. On our first full day, my husband and I (mainly me) chose snorkeling. I fell in love with it. For the next four days, I chose again and again to get on the boat. The boat would leave at 7:30am, we would have lunch while out and then return... Continue Reading
