It amazes me that after one year in FA, with 155 pounds off my body, I still will resort to my old destructive ways. I used to overeat, binge, and purge. I was also addicted to cooking and to looking at recipes. My sponsor often has referred to my recipe hunting and viewing them online as a form of pornography for me. I didn’t see the harm as long as I didn’t make any of the recipes. But I do have a problem: once I start reading and looking at recipes, I can’t stop. I have to admit that even recently, with a year in Program, I sat at my desk at work and ended up printing recipes for Christmas treats. I am not going to bake them; I just had to have the recipes. I have made a commitment more than once to my sponsor not to look at... Continue Reading
I came to my first FA meeting two years ago weighing 244 pounds. I sat at the back of the room, busting out of my clothes, angry and frustrated, with my arms crossed. I knew nothing about food addiction, recovery, or how desperate I was. I thought I had it together, for the most part, and that is was just this “food thing” I couldn’t control. I heard something that day that changed my life. I heard hope. I don’t remember the name of the happy, skinny lady who was willing to be vulnerable and share her story, but I did hear enough of my own story to feel that there was a solution to the chaos and craziness going on in my head. I was thankful for the people who gave me numbers of potential sponsors. I went back to another meeting. My sponsor shared with me all the... Continue Reading
I was extremely overweight from a very early age. My top weight was 306 pounds. I was full of fear, doubt, and insecurity and didn’t even know it. I spent a lot of my time being bossy and rude to my friends, family members, and strangers. My heart was so hard. I figured everyone was going to judge me by my appearance, so I might as well protect myself. I was in such denial about how I looked that I didn’t even see a problem with my weight. As a young adult, I acquired a huge sense of entitlement and felt the world owed me. I was a screamer. I often yelled at my children before I even knew what I was yelling about. I lost three very successful jobs because of my attitude and inability to work with my co-workers. Friends and family were scared of me. I often... Continue Reading
I’ve been under a fair amount of strain lately. A dear friend of mine is dying from a metastasized cancer. I have an energetic and challenging sixteen year old. My older son is struggling at college. My husband injured himself and has been having a rough time dealing with the injury. Work has been very busy. In other words, life is happening, despite my being in a right-sized body. All of the above are hard enough, but combine them with the cold and rainy Sunday of last weekend, and I had a potential recipe for disaster. On that gray, wet, dreary day, all I wanted to do was to curl up on my sofa under a blanket and eat and watch television. But I didn’t. Instead, I worked my program. I called people and told them what I was feeling. Aloud, I said to them, “I want to eat.” Somehow,... Continue Reading
I was finding myself thinking about food every time I drove home from work or from a meeting. I would pass a fast-food place or a sugar and flour shop and start to think about what I would eat if I weren’t in Program. I wasn’t hungry and I wasn’t having a craving. I was just thinking about it. One night coming home from a meeting, I passed three fast-food places in a row, and I spent the entire time mentally making out my possible menu for each place. I realized what I was doing and began to talk to myself in a very negative way. I scolded myself, using verbal abuse and negative talk. I was angry at myself for thinking about food. I should have known better with 155 pounds off my body. My sponsor suggested that I stop the negative talk in situations like this and ask... Continue Reading
