I came into FA just before the holidays. I found quite quickly that I was going to have to unlearn a lot of things if I was going to continue to be abstinent. When I came into FA, it initially felt like food was chasing me. I had always eaten more or less unconsciously (face falling on food). It was a really a new thing not to turn to food whenever I wanted to. I had cravings and became very fearful when feelings came up that I used to push down with food, alcohol, or pills. Often these feelings came in a flood, and I would feel alone and in a weird emotional state, often thinking about eating or leaving Program as the only solution. Leaving FA seemed like an option when my head was chattering, “It’s just a matter of time. You are not going to be successful anyway.... Continue Reading
I sat on the sofa in my hotel room this morning, my stomach churning. Sinus colds have a way of interrupting my sleeping pattern, and I had been up since 4 a.m. Unable to fall back to sleep, I decided to start my day as I always do, thanking my Higher Power for rest, abstinence, and for the life I have today. Then I sat still for 30 minutes. My mind was filled with phrases from the Twenty-Four Hour a Day book. I was reminded of how different things are in my life today than they were three years ago. As I sat, I pressed my hand to my stomach and it vibrated. The clock reminded me that I still had two hours until breakfast, so I closed my eyes and returned to my quiet time of meditation. As my stomach continued to grumble, I was reminded that in recovery... Continue Reading
I came into FA at age 52 and had just lost 110 pounds after doing my own diet. I still had more weight to lose (my highest weight was 256) and a certain food had me by the throat and I couldn’t stop dreaming, fantasizing, and thinking about it. The weight started to creep up again. God led me into FA, and within three months the rest of the weight was off. I made a few mistakes here and there for a few months. I got 90 days of abstinence, lost it, got six months a couple of times, and then lost it. Then after about a year, I started to get into the food big time again. Finally, I was convinced that I needed to stop eating, and life was abstinent and good for almost nine years. Now looking back, I realize that I actually “white-knuckled it” for all of... Continue Reading
I recall the first time I heard it, “Every surrender brings you closer to God.” Those were the words I heard over the phone as I reached out to a fellow FA member, complaining to her about my struggle with my morning caffeine drink. She was a woman I didn’t even know, someone my sponsor suggested I call because she had long-term abstinence. Her words seemed empty at the time. Yeah, sure, closer to God, I thought. It was bad enough that I had already surrendered one thing I liked to put into my drink. Then my sponsor suggested that I just drink it black. I was feeling sorry for myself for having to make yet another sacrifice. Poor old me. I had given up so much. But this was my morning ritual, my family’s social lubricant. My parents very rarely drank alcohol; it was the cup of caffeine that... Continue Reading
I am sitting in a hospital bed. I am 52 years “young,” and it is now three days since my surgery. I am a doctor at this hospital and the one usually providing the care, so it is very strange to receive all of this medical attention. I originally came into the hospital for a colonoscopy screening. I am grateful for the gift of clarity to practice what I preach and come in for the test. I was diagnosed with colon cancer. I weighed 253.5 pounds when I joined FA, and I weighed 135.5 at home the morning of my surgery. I can’t believe I have only eaten four meals in the last six days because of the tests and the surgery associated with the diagnosis. More incredible is how peaceful and surrendered I am about both the diagnosis and the not eating. I have already received innumerable gifts in... Continue Reading
