Five years ago I came into FA, desperate to lose weight. I weighed 330 pounds and was ravaged by medical complications. I had sleep apnea, hypertension, fibromyalgia, renal failure, incipient heart failure, premature osteoarthritis, and pre-diabetes. At the age of 55, and after decades of obesity, my body had lost its ability to buffer any further insults. It had lost its functional reserve to the point where organs were starting to fail and show the clinical effects of longstanding food abuse. The only option open was bariatric surgery. Nothing else had worked and I thought nothing else was available or would work. I had reached rock bottom. Some would say that it was serendipity that I heard about FA while driving home. For me it was nothing less than a miracle, because the week before I found FA, I was on my knees crying and praying to God to give... Continue Reading
“There is the likelihood that you have multiple myeloma (cancer of the bone marrow), based on your test results,” said my doctor. Not exactly the words one wants to hear after having a minor test for a completely unrelated problem. He repeated this statement a couple of times to make sure I understood the potential severity of the situation. I guess my lack of a panicked response made him think I had not heard or understood him. My reaction, or lack thereof, was not a conscious effort; it just seemed “normal” to me. I admit that I did not react in the way I would have before joining FA a little over three years ago. Before Program, my reaction to this news would have been driven by self-centeredness and self-pity. I would have been blaming my higher power for doing this to me, and I would have been face down... Continue Reading
I started out life as an outwardly happy and healthy little boy. But I now see that by a very early age, I had the personality traits of a potential addict. I had a lot of trouble adjusting to life situations. After my parents’ divorce when I was three years old, I began to isolate and to develop a rageful and explosive personality. School became a continual struggle for me. As early as second grade, I violently rebelled against doing what I was told. In junior high school, my violent behavior toned down; but I became very depressed, withdrawing more and more into a world of drawing, science-fiction books, comics, and weight lifting. I hated being a skinny teenager and was continually frustrated that I couldn’t seem to get more muscular. For a while, my eating was rigid and controlled, but then I began to go to the other extreme,... Continue Reading
I had been morbidly obese most of my life, and six years ago I weighed 410 pounds. My four children, whom I raised as a single father, had just faced adulthood (finally) and had left the nest. I found myself feeling alone, free of all responsible obligations, and…done. I had already made the conscious decision to commit suicide (again, I was done). I was well beyond vanity and I didn’t care about a future, much less how I looked in it. But someone told me about FA, and I thought I’d check it out before checking out. I was filled with more than a little skepticism when I saw all the people in the room. Very few looked even remotely overweight, and of the 50 to 60 people in attendance, there were only about three other guys. As with many other Twelve-Step meetings I had tried, I was suspicious of... Continue Reading
I didn’t have recognizable weight issues until my late forties. I was always just shy of 140 pounds, but then I started to put weight on, primarily helped by a stress-related job. I was very addicted to flour and sugar and used them to medicate myself when I had any feelings. I would act out, not only with food, but also with rage and anger—corrosive anger. I was like a dry-drunk—mercurial, grandiose, manipulative, sentimental, and confused. The key was my inner state. If I felt incapable, less-than, or mildly threatened, I would react violently. When I was a kid, I remember taking a friend to visit my grandmother, who had looked after me after my mother died. My grandmother liked my friend and commented on his politeness. I felt really threatened, as he seemed to be usurping her heart. I picked a fight with him and struck him, hurting him... Continue Reading
