Approximately one year ago, after I had been in FA for 15 months, my AWOL group, in its study of the Twelve Steps, was approaching Step Four, where we take a fearless moral inventory of our personal challenges. I was besieged with fear of this process and the requirements of Step Five, wherein we were to discuss our shortcomings, character defects, and injured relationships with God and another person. How would I do? Would I be found lacking? Would I be told that I was unworthy—told to go back and do this over? These thoughts were obsessive and causing me great concern. I was on the verge of making up an excuse to leave the AWOL. All my life I had been fixated on the notion that I had to be perfect or else I would not be accepted or loved. In fact, I went to great lengths to make... Continue Reading
“Grandpa, you are fat!” my then-five year old granddaughter told me. “I know,” was my reply. A week later, she told me again. It hurt, and I asked her not to say that again, but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Her grandmother, my wife for over 30 years, had never been quite that blunt with me, but she had told me at different times that I needed to cut back on my eating, and so had my skinny doctor. “Shoot for a pound a week” he would say; “two-hundred-fifty calories in less food, 250 calories in exercise. Five hundred calories a day, seven days a week, equals 3500 calories, which is one pound. It is slow and easy, not so hard to do.” Right, I thought. A friend and I had been talking to each other about losing weight—but what to do? He had been in... Continue Reading
When I was growing up in California, Mom couldn’t cook meals fast enough and my older brothers sometimes ate food off my plate. It felt to me like there was never enough food. I came to FA for the first time four years ago, after hearing about the program from a friend, who had lost 80 pounds. I raised my hand at a meeting, dutifully identified myself as a food addict (at 235 pounds), worked the food plan faithfully for six months, and lost 72 pounds. I didn’t really believe I was a food addict and ended up leaving FA over resentments against my sponsor. I firmly believed that FA was just too hard. The truth was that I wanted to go back out and eat “normal” food. Armed with my newfound knowledge of the evils of flour, sugar, and quantities, surely I would be “just fine.” Well, two years later, I gained... Continue Reading
A winter night in 2003 marked a low point in my life. From the outside people may not have seen it, because I had so much to be grateful for. My wife and I had just moved into the dream home I built with my own hands, we had a healthy baby girl (our fourth), and secure employment. My problem was that I was a food addict. I had never heard that expression before and never thought of using it, but that is what I was. One night, my wife was at work at the hospital. We had made a tray of sweets for dessert. We each had one before she went to work. After I put the kids to bed, I went to the kitchen to get one more to munch on while I watched television. After a few minutes, I went for one more and promised myself that... Continue Reading
I wanted to be “normal” in my eating. Why should it be a problem when I ate pretty much what I wanted throughout my teenage and early adult years? I may have had some heavy weight gain here and there, but never serious enough to consider my eating a problem. I just needed to back away from the table. I remember my prayer to God after I was so through with myself for not keeping the weight off. At one point, I weighed 230 pounds. I fasted (not eating anything) for one full day, prayed, and turned it over to God. Then I attended my first FA meeting. I was ready to start that night. There was nobody available to sponsor, so the friend who brought me told me she would talk to her sponsor about sponsoring me. I got her phone number, went to the store, and began my... Continue Reading
