Posts about Recovery

Fueling Up

It was always my dream to be able to eat whatever I wanted, without consequence. The “consequence” I had in mind involved gaining weight. I was always taught in my family that it was a virtue, something to strive for, to be able to eat with impunity—to anything you liked and remain skinny. That was my mom’s idea of Nirvana. But for me, this doesn’t exist. When I came into FA and got a food plan, I thought it would be impossible to put down flour or sugar. But desperation was on my side, and I was willing to try anything. I told myself that I would just get through the day. I made deals with myself that I would just “try” it for one month, or one week. It was never going to be “forever.” Within maybe the first or second day, my cravings started to go away. I... Continue Reading

 


 

Good Housekeeping

I always thought I was a free spirit, spontaneous, unique, unfettered by boring structure, and a person who marches to her own drummer. That may have been true, but I was also incredibly undisciplined, irresponsible, and plagued by procrastination and self-hatred for all the times I failed to follow through on my intensions. I thought that my main problem was my weight, and that if I lost it my life would straighten out. Before FA, I had injured myself many times over the years through general wear and tear, trying to haul my 255 pounds up stairs, and trying to keep up with younger, thinner, fitter friends in power walking or exercising. To get rid of the pain, I would go to various health practitioners, and they would give me exercises to do, but I was never able to follow through on these. Like many addicts, I came to believe... Continue Reading

 


 

New Resolve

In 11th grade I weighed 367 pounds and didn’t go to the doctor or get on a scale for years after that. For more than 30 years after high school, I tipped the scale most of the time at 335-370 pounds. Like many people, I used to start out every year making a resolution to lose weight. After a few tries, I just stopped making one. I felt that a resolution was just another thing I would fail at. I made fun of people who made New Year’s resolutions. I knew they were setting themselves up for failure as I had always done. In the past, my resolutions were downright crazy. One year I was so determined to be successful that I asked my family not to put any flour or sugar items into my Christmas stocking. Mind you, our stockings were literally five feet long and two-thirds of it... Continue Reading

 


 

My Curtain Call

I have been in FA for more than 19 years. I came in at age 22 weighing 280 pounds. My life was completely unmanageable. I was not only obese, but I had trouble showing up for the basics of life: work, friends, and family. I also was in a really bad live-in relationship and spent hours sitting on the couch in our dark basement apartment, smoking about a pack of cigarettes a day. I had panic attacks, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and bad credit. In my first decade in FA, many miracles happened in my life. I lost 150 pounds and got a body I never could have imagined. After about a year, I got the strength and courage from the Twelve Steps and the fellowship to leave the relationship I was in, which I never thought I could do. I quit smoking almost immediately, something I also never... Continue Reading

 


 

Walking Through Fear

When I first came into FA several years ago, my sponsor made many suggestions to help me get abstinent and stay abstinent. I quickly got into the habit of taking them all. One of her earliest suggestions was about attending meetings. Because there was only one FA meeting in my area, some of my meetings would have to be AA meetings.  This horrified me!  It was bad enough that I was a food addict, but going to meetings with alcoholics was asking too much. I doubted if I would ever find enough willingness to take this suggestion. Luckily I was granted a morsel of willingness and soon started researching AA meeting possibilities. To avoid running into anyone I knew, I strategically picked meetings outside of my immediate area and started scouting them out.  For many weeks, I simply drove to the meetings, sat in my car, and watched as people walked in. I wanted to... Continue Reading