When I think of my first 90 days of abstinence, I think of two things my sponsor used to say to me all the time. First, she told me I was allergic to sugar, flour, and being told what to do; second, that her nickname for me was “yeah, but,” because my response always began with “Yeah, but…”every time she would tell me something. I always had reasons for why the suggestions she was giving weren’t going to work for me. On the outside, I looked very obstinate and unwilling. I was also told on numerous occasions that I was scary. I was that angry food addict in the back row with my arms crossed, daring you to come over and talk to me. Those who did, may have wished they hadn’t. On the inside, I was scared to death. I also came in with a lot of Alcoholics Anonymous... Continue Reading
I realized I had a problem with food when one bite was never enough. Even though I was not hungry, I could not stop eating. My head was in a fog; I was always in a bad mood. I stopped counting servings as I went back for more again and again. Through the years, my weight fluctuated up and down. “Your face looks rather full,” friends would comment. Or when I lost 20 pounds they would say, “You look terrific! Have you lost weight?” I wish that I could have taken some strength from those compliments, but I lost control over and over. I tried various ways to manage my love of sweets. I baked for others and took just one piece for myself. Well, that never worked. One piece led to another and another until I had to bake the treat for “others” all over again. I can’t say... Continue Reading
I’m 47 years old and have been in FA for 8 years. Upon entering the rooms the first thing I noticed was that there weren’t a lot of people who looked like me. I’m of African American descent. My journey in FA began with two Caucasian sponsors. My first sponsor guided me through the introductory phases of recovery which aided in a 60 lbs. weight loss. Then she broke her abstinence. This troubled me greatly, I had a fearful uneasiness that surely I’d lose my abstinence since the person who was helping me wasn’t able to sustain it. While attending an A.W.O.L (a way of life—a detailed study of the 12 steps) I approached a fellow whom I respected. She was intelligent, beautiful, spiritually grounded (a pastor in fact), at a healthy weight and again Caucasian. It didn’t matter to me, she had what I wanted. She offered recovery suggestions... Continue Reading
I sat on my sofa and pressed the phone to my ear. I was angry. It was, one more time, hard to focus on a 90-minute telephone AWOL with FA members who have arrived at Step Two in this committed FA Twelve-Step study group. I have to choose a telephone AWOL since I am far away from any live AWOL meetings. I can’t wait for this call to be over. The abstinence is great, but these people are talking about insanity. It seemed as if everyone wants to be the most insane, sort of like an insanity competition. Do I really need this kind of self-flagellation? They describe with dramatic exaggeration their petty habits with food while they ate, and how their bodies got disfigured by it. I am different. Why do they harp on this over and over again? Finally I‘ve had enough! I hang up and call a... Continue Reading
Every time my husband and I have ever gone on vacation, by the time we got to our destination I was so full of resentment and fear that I could barely enjoy the trip. I would cope with the fear of leaving my kids by stopping in the first gift shop I saw at the airport to buy something full of sugar and fat. It was usually something I wouldn’t normally allow myself to eat. I would justify the financial and caloric expense because I was going on vacation. I never realized I was looking to numb the fear of something tragic happening and the worry that I might never see my children again. To me, the fear was very real and big; I really thought I might die while I was away from my children. I would write each one of my children a letter telling them how much... Continue Reading
