I try to think back on when I started FA nine years ago. There was an exact moment when I became willing. I was 110 pounds, over 5’9” tall, and preparing a meal that was organic, vegan, and “perfect.” I’d been preparing it for 45 minutes and I couldn’t stop. And I didn’t know if it was enough food to keep me on the planet. This was 13 years after joining another 12-step program for food, and in some ways, I was just as sick and trapped as I had been then, when I went to my first meeting of the other program after a two-day binge on a sugar item in front of the TV. Sure, I wasn’t binging anymore, but my behavior with food was still way out of balance. The thirteen-year journey from that two-day binge to the “perfect” meal that inspired me to join FA was... Continue Reading
Passover is a Jewish holiday that commemorates the time when the Jewish people were liberated some 3,300 years ago from slavery in ancient Egypt. This year, I celebrated my own liberation and freedom from my obsession and compulsion with food by enjoying my traditional family Seder with a renewed sense of peace and contentment. As it happened I celebrated my three-year FA anniversary on the first night of Passover. Co-incidence? I think not. This year, the Seder was a reminder of my commitment and serenity in finding a program that has helped me manage my life. A lot of preparation typically goes into planning for the Seder dinner, which, this year, we hosted for 19 family members. In the past, I would have been stressed out that everything had to be perfect for my guests, and I would have been very self-conscious about my eating and fitting into my clothes.... Continue Reading
I have been in recovery for many years. I never felt like I “had it made” but I was enjoying the peaceful contentment that comes with this way of life, when my emotions were shaken up with the news that my older brother had died. We were estranged, and although I had tried to reconcile with him over the past several years, I was unsuccessful. I was not notified of his death until about six weeks after his passing. I later found out that he had asked his hospice caretaker to try and locate me during the last few weeks, but his memory was failing him and he didn’t pass along my married name. When I finally got the news, I felt a wide range of emotions: intense sadness, guilt, anger, and resentment. I felt like I was on a child’s roller coaster of ups and downs. Thank God for... Continue Reading
For years I wrestled with issues of fear, doubt and insecurity. I worried and doubted myself about everything– from raising children to being a responsible citizen of the world to having enough money. Although I was an active member of a church, I had no relationship with the God of my upbringing. At the same time, I struggled with my eating. I say “eating” rather than weight because the numbers on my bathroom scale were not always unpleasant. I was always going on the “diet to end all diets”, the one that would get me down to an ideal size (whatever that might be), and then I was going to eat in a healthy way. I was also always starting a new exercise regime that would rid me of my cellulite. My denial kept me from seeing that if I would eat in a healthy way to begin with, I... Continue Reading
Before FA, my life was in shambles. I was obese and could not stop eating. I wasn’t showering more than twice a week, and when I did, it was only after plenty of harassment from my family. I thought it was perfectly acceptable to have food stains on my clothes, and I was picking the clothes I would wear for the day from the dirty laundry hamper. It was clear that I didn’t have a clue as to how to make things better. This eventually led to a great willingness to work the FA program. I diligently used all the tools every day. And it worked. I have been abstinent for a little over 4 years. There were times, however, when my doubt and negative thinking got the best of me. When someone said (referring to the old binge foods), “Thank you, God, that’s not my food,” I would think... Continue Reading
