In my first 90 days of abstinence, I was kind of a disaster. I cried my eyes out for the first 30 of them. I felt exhausted, irritable, self-conscious, confused, and totally unsure of who I was. It was a week before my twenty-fifth birthday when I started, and my dad had just sent me a cookbook as a gift. Seeing it in the box made my heart sink because I knew I would no longer need cookbooks in my life. I also knew I’d soon be letting go of my Bon Appetite and Gourmet magazine subscriptions, my juicer, my fruit dehydrator, my pasta maker, my top-of-the-line Cuisinart, and all my other fancy cookware. I no longer needed this type of paraphernalia in my life. I had heard in a meeting that first week, “Our food is in black and white today so our lives can be in color.” As... Continue Reading
Eleven years ago, I was on the phone with a customer service representative of a plus-size women’s clothing line trying to order black palazzo pants in size 3XL and 4XL. The representative asked why I was ordering the same pants in two different sizes, because they have a very simple return policy. I explained to her that I had no idea what size I was and I was in desperately in need of an outfit for my best friend’s wedding, which was happening in less than a week. I had completely put off buying an outfit because I could not mentally deal with trying on clothes. There were no plus-size clothing stores within 50 miles of my home, and I ran out of time to buy an outfit in a store. I had even contemplated not going to my best friend’s wedding to avoid the whole situation. I had been... Continue Reading
When people used to ask me what my greatest fear was, I wouldn’t say spiders or heights, I would say that I will fall in love with the man of my dreams, get married and be blissfully in love, and then a little while down the road he will wake up and realize that he doesn’t love me and that marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. I had always been afraid that I wouldn’t feel confident with the decision to marry. I thought that I would be thinking, on my wedding day, that this guy who I was committing my life to was a pretty good guy, good looking, and someone I respected and enjoyed, but that I wouldn’t feel passionate about him. I thought I would have doubts or feel that I was just settling, because I would think he was the best I could get.... Continue Reading
I got abstinent in a college town, where every other door was a food outfit. Many of the doors were very familiar, as this was the town where I had gone to college and had frequented many of the local eateries. As I walked down the street, the soundtrack in my head went something like this, Maybe I’ll have a …, no. Maybe I’ll go to …, no. Maybe I’ll get a…, no, not today. The food thoughts came fast and furious. On one particular day, as I heard the barrage of thoughts flying through my head, I thought, Man! I wasn’t this obsessed with food before I got abstinent! Almost the instant I had that thought, I realized that the reality was that before I got abstinent, every time I thought about food, I ate food. I never had to sit with the thought in my head and ride... Continue Reading
I was born to working parents and I had one brother, six years my senior. As a child, I stayed with my grandfather during the day while my parents worked. To my delight, my grandparents lived on a farm with several cows, chickens, pigs, cats, dogs, and a pony. My grandmother had a lovely vegetable garden. Life was good and food was plentiful. My mother and grandmother were great cooks and bakers and were more than eager to teach me. I learned well and enjoyed the instant gratification that came with smelling the aromas emanating from the kitchen. Thus began my love affair with food. My weight problem started when I would eat breakfast with my parents and again with my grandfather. Then I would go across the street to my aunt’s house for another breakfast and also for extra lunches. I think I probably ate so much because I... Continue Reading
