My top weight was 138 pounds, about 30 pounds over what I weigh now. The miracle is that I have maintained my weight for 15 years, without over-exercising or having tons of therapy. I thought that if I figured out why I ate, I would stop. That never happened. I ate because I am a food addict, it is that simple. I see that I have had lots of life events that I did not have to eat over. Life’s challenges have been as simple as coming outside to a flat tire, and as devastating as getting fired from my job. Living through the process before I actually got fired was very uncomfortable. I remember calling my sponsor one day at work crying, feeling like I was worthless. She asked me “are you doing your best?” I said “yes.” So she gave me my marching orders. “Go to work with... Continue Reading
Before FA, I would have asserted I was an honest person. I’d have bet money on the fact that I was more honest than those around me. If I received too much change at the store, I gave it back. I never said anything behind someone’s back that I wouldn’t say to their face. Yup, I was honest. After seven years in FA, a few AWOLs, and other Twelve-Step work, I now see the brutality that went with that honesty. It is true, if someone gave me too much change at the store, I would give it back, but that went along with an “honest” appraisal of the store clerk’s intelligence. I may not have used the word “idiot,” but there was no doubt about my message. I loved my husband enough to tell him all the things nobody else would say to his face, and was just as brutal and... Continue Reading
Before coming into FA, I once went 11 days without a shower…in the middle of August! At the time I weighed 176 pounds and could not care less about my appearance (or body odor, for that matter). I was so broken that I couldn’t mentally will myself to take a shower, but also I didn’t have any clean clothes that fit me because I had recently gained so much weight and didn’t have a job to pay for new clothes or a trip to the laundromat to wash the ones I did have. And I was homeless and living with my mother who is a hoarder and had 50+ shampoo bottles in the shower of the squalid home we were sharing with her active alcoholic companion. My life was definitely unmanageable: all of these various reasons for not showering for 11 days may seem disconnected, but they were... Continue Reading
The Saturday morning meeting was well attended as usual and a fellow member qualified who had just reached her 90 days. Because of a break, I was beginning again. Hearing the story of a new person and how they achieved abstinence often opens my eyes to our common problem. I found her share very encouraging. Later that evening old familiar thoughts began to surface: “You’re all alone. Everyone else has someone in his or her life. There isn’t anyone to go out with. Everyone else has a life that is full and fun except you.” With those thoughts came the sad feelings that arise when I’m feeling lonely, so I went to bed. When I woke up on Sunday morning the gloom had returned. After meditating for 30 minutes, I ate breakfast and looked ahead to the day. It was only an hour after breakfast when I thought, “I’m hungry,... Continue Reading
I was preoccupied with a fear of being fat at a very early age. I remember being 7 years old and thinking I was too fat. In 5th and 6th grade I was trying to eat less than what I truly wanted. Looking back, I realize I didn’t feel in control of my eating, and I was in fact eating more than what was healthy for my body. By age 13 I was 160 lbs. By age 15 I had lost a good portion of my weight though major control, and was able to maintain a thin body throughout my teenage years, but along with that was constant obsession. Each morning I’d wake up thinking about what I ate the day before. My first thought as my eyes opened was the anxious question, “Would this be a day I’d feel thinner or fatter?” My teenage years were about control, obsession,... Continue Reading
