Eleven years ago, I was on the phone with a customer service representative of a plus-size women’s clothing line trying to order black palazzo pants in size 3XL and 4XL. The representative asked why I was ordering the same pants in two different sizes, because they have a very simple return policy. I explained to her that I had no idea what size I was and I was in desperately in need of an outfit for my best friend’s wedding, which was happening in less than a week. I had completely put off buying an outfit because I could not mentally deal with trying on clothes. There were no plus-size clothing stores within 50 miles of my home, and I ran out of time to buy an outfit in a store. I had even contemplated not going to my best friend’s wedding to avoid the whole situation. I had been... Continue Reading
When people used to ask me what my greatest fear was, I wouldn’t say spiders or heights, I would say that I will fall in love with the man of my dreams, get married and be blissfully in love, and then a little while down the road he will wake up and realize that he doesn’t love me and that marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. I had always been afraid that I wouldn’t feel confident with the decision to marry. I thought that I would be thinking, on my wedding day, that this guy who I was committing my life to was a pretty good guy, good looking, and someone I respected and enjoyed, but that I wouldn’t feel passionate about him. I thought I would have doubts or feel that I was just settling, because I would think he was the best I could get.... Continue Reading
I got abstinent in a college town, where every other door was a food outfit. Many of the doors were very familiar, as this was the town where I had gone to college and had frequented many of the local eateries. As I walked down the street, the soundtrack in my head went something like this, Maybe I’ll have a …, no. Maybe I’ll go to …, no. Maybe I’ll get a…, no, not today. The food thoughts came fast and furious. On one particular day, as I heard the barrage of thoughts flying through my head, I thought, Man! I wasn’t this obsessed with food before I got abstinent! Almost the instant I had that thought, I realized that the reality was that before I got abstinent, every time I thought about food, I ate food. I never had to sit with the thought in my head and ride... Continue Reading
I was born to working parents and I had one brother, six years my senior. As a child, I stayed with my grandfather during the day while my parents worked. To my delight, my grandparents lived on a farm with several cows, chickens, pigs, cats, dogs, and a pony. My grandmother had a lovely vegetable garden. Life was good and food was plentiful. My mother and grandmother were great cooks and bakers and were more than eager to teach me. I learned well and enjoyed the instant gratification that came with smelling the aromas emanating from the kitchen. Thus began my love affair with food. My weight problem started when I would eat breakfast with my parents and again with my grandfather. Then I would go across the street to my aunt’s house for another breakfast and also for extra lunches. I think I probably ate so much because I... Continue Reading
It was day seven and I was sitting at the front desk of a yoga studio fighting cravings like crazy. My job was to check people in to yoga classes and schedule massages, which was about all I could handle after being trapped in food addiction for so long. I thought back to the numerous times that I would be left alone after the rush of students scurrying about, when I could eat without interruption. If the phone rang while I was eating, I’d be angry with the caller, terrified that I’d have to stop and mortified that I might be caught mid-binge. But the fear and shame of being caught in the act of my addiction wasn’t enough to make me stop. I couldn’t stop, even when I wanted to. One time a health food company gave our yoga studio a huge amount of “healthy” treat samples. We kept... Continue Reading
