Before FA, I would have asserted I was an honest person. I’d have bet money on the fact that I was more honest than those around me. If I received too much change at the store, I gave it back. I never said anything behind someone’s back that I wouldn’t say to their face. Yup, I was honest. After seven years in FA, a few AWOLs, and other Twelve-Step work, I now see the brutality that went with that honesty. It is true, if someone gave me too much change at the store, I would give it back, but that went along with an “honest” appraisal of the store clerk’s intelligence. I may not have used the word “idiot,” but there was no doubt about my message. I loved my husband enough to tell him all the things nobody else would say to his face, and was just as brutal and... Continue Reading
Before coming into FA, I once went 11 days without a shower…in the middle of August! At the time I weighed 176 pounds and could not care less about my appearance (or body odor, for that matter). I was so broken that I couldn’t mentally will myself to take a shower, but also I didn’t have any clean clothes that fit me because I had recently gained so much weight and didn’t have a job to pay for new clothes or a trip to the laundromat to wash the ones I did have. And I was homeless and living with my mother who is a hoarder and had 50+ shampoo bottles in the shower of the squalid home we were sharing with her active alcoholic companion. My life was definitely unmanageable: all of these various reasons for not showering for 11 days may seem disconnected, but they were... Continue Reading
The Saturday morning meeting was well attended as usual and a fellow member qualified who had just reached her 90 days. Because of a break, I was beginning again. Hearing the story of a new person and how they achieved abstinence often opens my eyes to our common problem. I found her share very encouraging. Later that evening old familiar thoughts began to surface: “You’re all alone. Everyone else has someone in his or her life. There isn’t anyone to go out with. Everyone else has a life that is full and fun except you.” With those thoughts came the sad feelings that arise when I’m feeling lonely, so I went to bed. When I woke up on Sunday morning the gloom had returned. After meditating for 30 minutes, I ate breakfast and looked ahead to the day. It was only an hour after breakfast when I thought, “I’m hungry,... Continue Reading
I was preoccupied with a fear of being fat at a very early age. I remember being 7 years old and thinking I was too fat. In 5th and 6th grade I was trying to eat less than what I truly wanted. Looking back, I realize I didn’t feel in control of my eating, and I was in fact eating more than what was healthy for my body. By age 13 I was 160 lbs. By age 15 I had lost a good portion of my weight though major control, and was able to maintain a thin body throughout my teenage years, but along with that was constant obsession. Each morning I’d wake up thinking about what I ate the day before. My first thought as my eyes opened was the anxious question, “Would this be a day I’d feel thinner or fatter?” My teenage years were about control, obsession,... Continue Reading
I was chuckling to myself as I noticed how my vocabulary has changed since becoming abstinent. Words that I normally used to describe or procure food now have a new meaning. I enjoy walking on crunchy leaves while wearing a sweater in the crisp autumn air, salty lips from an ocean mist in the summer, and a delicious fire on a cold winter night. My skin is creamy, my lipstick hues are hot, my new red convertible is spicy and the clothes in my wardrobe are flavorful and colorful now that my body is pint–sized instead of super–sized. I contemplate fresh ideas. My relationships are rich, especially with my Higher Power. Sweet treats are an unexpected hug or “I love you” text from my teenage children, and a luscious back rub from my husband. A pick up is a program call, a delivery is a care package to my parents,... Continue Reading
