My father was going through radiation treatment after his cancer came back. I received news of the reoccurrence while I was across the country at college, but through G-d’s impeccable timing, my summer break aligned with my father’s treatment. I was able to spend precious time with my dad driving him to his treatments, cuddling on the couch, and helping my mom around the house. Yes, there were many special miracles during this time, but there was also much frustration. The doctors prescribed a very particular diet for my father to eat during radiation, and being the good food addict that I am, I hovered over every meal. I offered to make him the suggested foods, but he didn’t want any of it. In fact, he didn’t want much of anything. Yet I kept at him–fueled by fear of what he was up against and resentment that he was not... Continue Reading
I did not want to be in FA. A friend and I went to a few meetings years ago, and the speakers seemed so odd to me — self-indulgent, wallowing in their mistakes and “character defects.” Who wants to latch onto the idea that you have “character defects?” It seemed so negative, like self-flagellation. And all that God talk. I didn’t believe in God. The God of my childhood was punitive and vengeful. I couldn’t get away fast enough from that negative and guilt-ridden existence. But I was desperate. I could not stop eating. I felt sick, felt like I was poisoning myself. And I kept taking it out on my husband. So I dragged myself to a meeting, but crossed my arms over my chest at the idea of having a sponsor. I didn’t want someone telling me what to do. I didn’t want to ask permission from someone,... Continue Reading
I couldn’t believe that my knee hurt. It didn’t just hurt—it was a stabbing, searing pain that I remembered well, but hadn’t felt in over three years. When I weighed over 300 pounds, that pain was a constant companion. I had to use a cane at the ripe old age of 49 just to walk the hallways of the school in which I taught. All that had changed, though, when I lost 160 pounds in FA. I have had the weight off for over three years and I haven’t even thought about my knee in that time. The cane is hanging idle in my front closet. I walk everywhere and have even been known to run a few places. I have enjoyed a freedom of movement I never dreamed possible. But Friday night, there was something wrong—something terribly wrong. It was my first full week of teaching in the new... Continue Reading
Two days ago I walked to a nearby park for a reprieve. My mom had only days, maybe hours, left. Her periods of apnea were increasing and she hadn’t had anything to eat or drink for 9 days in her coma state. I’m incredibly grateful that Hospice was able to keep her comfortable, but of course it’s still a gut wrenching process, counting the seconds between breaths, or imagining her waking with complete clarity and fear about death. Thankfully, along side the intense fear was gratitude – gratitude for the program of recovery that enabled me to take one next right action after the other in order to be of service to my mom and family, the fellowship that was and is a constant source of support, and my H.P. who I know is carrying me even though I sometimes question it. One aspect of this trip I was especially... Continue Reading
Tuesday nights were once a terrible night for reaching my fellows by phone. I was living in my Alaska hometown where there were no FA meetings, but I had built up a close group of fellows in California. They, and my sponsor, were all in an AWOL together on Tuesday nights. So, not only were they not available Tuesday nights, but to make matters worse, they would talk about having dinner with each other before that AWOL. I felt a little left out, and a lot of envy. I wanted a fellowship around me too. I had a low-grade dread of Tuesday nights! My sponsor picked up on it. She encouraged me to visit, to spend time in California, around people who were really committed to FA recovery. So, I came to visit. I loved being in California where I wore a skirt and flip-flops, and could ride a bike... Continue Reading
