I had been waiting to “eat for two” since I was a little girl. I thought that pregnancy would be the time in my life when I could eat with reckless abandon, in front of the world, without fear of judgment. This was one of many “great” ideas that floated through my diseased brain. I have maintained almost three years of abstinence, and a life I did not think was possible, thanks to my Higher Power, my sponsor, Program disciplines, and FA fellows. When I first entered Program, I was not only overweight, but also desperate for a solution to the mental insanity swimming in my head. I wanted to lose weight and learn how to eat in a healthy way, so that when I started a family, my future children would not see the ridiculous things I did with my food—the stealing, sneaking, hiding, lying, and many other inappropriate... Continue Reading
Reaching my 90th day was not as I had envisioned. While my fellows were gathered in the building beside me having an FA meeting, I sat with my mom, my two sisters, and my husband planning my dad’s funeral. My fellows continued to be right there with me through the entire process. I don’t know how people manage loss without a twelve-step program. I am so grateful to FA for getting me through the loss of my father abstinently. My father saw his doctor for pneumonia in early September. My children had just gone back to school and I made a casual remark about cheering Papa up with some of their artwork when I visited him that day. My son asked, “Mom can you wait until after school so I can come too?” My first thought was that I had to make sure my children wouldn’t catch pneumonia. My second... Continue Reading
I never realized how crazy flour and sugar made me. I was only aware of how fat it made me. It took years for me to realize how my food addiction affected my life and was responsible for taking away everything I loved. It’s hard to look back, but as I do, I really believe that because I am a food addict, I made a mess of my life, particularly as a mother. I was controlling, absent much of the time, not available. I clearly did damage to a lot of people I loved. I grew up with parents who loved me. My father weighed around 250 pounds and he was always on a diet. He died of a heart attack when I was twelve. I was completely lost. I would go down to our basement and binge. I picked up food, and my mother picked up booze. My father... Continue Reading
When I came into the rooms of FA I was angry, hopeless, and cynical. I had experienced a five-year abstinence in another food program before taking back my will and falling back into a relapse that lasted about five years. My top weight was two hundred pounds (my height is 5’6”). I had begun to have a relationship with my Higher Power, and my faith was growing slowly. By the time I found FA, however, the faith that I had begun to experience began to disappear, to be replaced by a huge dose of cynicism and disbelief. The negative thinking that returned slowly took me down a dark and hopeless path that I could not seem to leave. It was very hard for me to believe that God would take care of me and help me with my food addiction. I thought that all the young people that stood up... Continue Reading
Ah, the holidays are upon us. My sponsor speaks of all the sparkly food out there this time of year. Each time I walk into a grocery store, I heed her words. Everything in the store is designed to make me want to buy it. In truth, because it is food, it doesn’t take much to draw me in. That is why, after three years in Program, I’ve learned to gauge my state of mind before I enter a grocery store or attend a party. I ask myself if I am tired, hungry, feeling resentment, feeling excess joy—feeling anything that makes my radar go up. If I am, I’ve learned that it is probably better for me to postpone my shopping or ask my husband to do it instead. One of the things I’ve come to recognize in Program is how easily I am over stimulated. The buying frenzy and... Continue Reading
