At 309 pounds, my highest weight ever, I reached out for help. I was desperate. I’ve struggled with obsession with food all my life. If I wasn’t eating whatever I wanted and gaining weight, I was trying to control my food with diets and exercise programs. I was always thinking about food—what I was eating, what I wasn’t eating, what I just ate, or what I was going to eat. I ate salty things, then wanted something sweet, then something salty again, then sweet. I took babysitting jobs based on what type of food would be in a house. I tried to hide what I’d eaten. I blamed the children I was taking care of for eating all the snacks. I remember being caught by my mom with food under my bed in high school. I just felt better if I had food around at all times. I was bordering... Continue Reading
Through my teens and twenties, I struggled with food obsession, weight, and alcohol. Prior to coming into FA, I got what I wanted when I wanted it. I just couldn’t tell myself no, and I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I knew I was overweight and that I hated myself. I spent two years in another Twelve-Step program trying to love myself, but that didn’t work. I found recovery from my food addiction when I was 36. After 18 years in recovery and 19 years at my current job, I applied for a new position in my organization. I almost didn’t apply because it seemed like a lot of work to write a resume after so many years. I hadn’t been on an interview in 20 years and thought it would be too stressful. When I shared all of this with my sponsor, she said, “I hear... Continue Reading
I came into FA just before the holidays. I found quite quickly that I was going to have to unlearn a lot of things if I was going to continue to be abstinent. When I came into FA, it initially felt like food was chasing me. I had always eaten more or less unconsciously (face falling on food). It was a really a new thing not to turn to food whenever I wanted to. I had cravings and became very fearful when feelings came up that I used to push down with food, alcohol, or pills. Often these feelings came in a flood, and I would feel alone and in a weird emotional state, often thinking about eating or leaving Program as the only solution. Leaving FA seemed like an option when my head was chattering, “It’s just a matter of time. You are not going to be successful anyway.... Continue Reading
The first time my sponsor suggested I go to three meetings a week, I honestly thought the rules did not apply to me. I thought that maybe three meetings were okay for everyone else, but not for me. After all, I had a seven-month-old baby, a two-year-old toddler, and a husband who worked 12-hour days. The last thing I could expect my husband to do was to care for his own children so I could attend a meeting. We had an agreement in our marriage. He was the breadwinner, and I had quit my job to stay home and rear the children. I certainly could not dream of asking my husband to stay home from work so I could do anything for myself, alone without kids. Imagine how uncomfortable I felt when my sponsor “bullied” me into going to three meetings per week. Little did I know that this was... Continue Reading
I ate because I couldn’t face my life. Then I couldn’t face my life because I ate! My life was out of control from an early age. I grew up as an only child and my parents divorced when I was two years old. My mother was very permissive. I was undisciplined and unruly. I talked too much, and I sucked my thumb until high school. Yet even after years and years of looking for a solution to all of this, I still wouldn’t let go of any of the food or of trying to control everything. Like it says in Alcoholics Anonymous, “The people of AA had something that looked much better than what I had, but I was afraid to let go of what I had in order to try something new.” Before FA, I spent 23 years in Twelve-Step programs for food, trying to get abstinent. I... Continue Reading
