Prior to coming to FA, my holidays were mostly about food, and my thoughts were focused on food. I would be thinking about what I was going to eat and where I was going to eat. There were some holidays when I was so filled up with self-pity that I had thoughts of suicide or my death. (In many ways I was spiritually dead.) Many of my thoughts were negative. I thought negatively about myself and about others. I wanted to belong and be a part of something, but didn’t know how to do it. I thought that if I had someone special to spend the holiday with, if I purchased the right outfit, and, of course, if I had the right meal, then I would be okay. Many of my thoughts were rooted in low self-esteem and low self-worth. Prior to FA, I really had no idea what I... Continue Reading
For the first 60 years of my life, my weight was always at the high end of normal, although I was in a right-size body during my teens, thanks to drugs. I learned to graze rather than eat normal meals, so I developed the habit of eating small amounts all day long. As an adult, I would lose the same 25-30 pounds over and over by increasing my exercise and lowering my caloric intake. But the weight came back on as soon as I would try to eat what I perceived to be “normally.” When I was 50, I injured my back and was unable to exercise, and my weight shot up to over 200 pounds, then to 225, and finally to my highest of 251 (10 pounds higher than when I entered FA.) While I became increasingly more depressed about my weight and the toll it was taking on... Continue Reading
I knew I had a sugar problem, because when I ate sugar, things went badly. What I did not want to give up was alcohol. Yet whenever I drank, I ended up face down in the sugar. Lots of sugar. It took life smacking me in the face, with the unexpected death of a dear family friend, to wake me up. Her 25 years were over – she didn’t get any more chances. After that, I was no longer willing to squander the rest of my time on this planet waffling between trying to control my eating by drinking, not drinking, doing drugs, isolating, or exercising. It was two days before Thanksgiving when I got a sponsor in FA. On Thanksgiving I stuck to my food plan, but I ate some protein around 3 p.m. I hadn’t known what to do with myself, so I had been standing in front of the food... Continue Reading
I remember wanting food, lots of it, no matter what it was. Day after day, I filled myself with whatever was available, usually flour and sugar if I could find it, but sometimes I would even eat fruit or protein, or anything I could get my hands on. I don’t know when the shame and guilt started, but when it did, I started to hide, sneak, and steal. Then my weight went up, and the comments started to come. It never occurred to me to stop eating, but I actually don’t think I could have. I just kept eating, hiding, stealing food, and feeling more and more shame and guilt. It seemed like I became 200 pounds overnight. My siblings didn’t have serious problems with weight, but my mother had always been overweight, so it seemed like my fate was sealed. I was the youngest in a family of seven,... Continue Reading
At 309 pounds, my highest weight ever, I reached out for help. I was desperate. I’ve struggled with obsession with food all my life. If I wasn’t eating whatever I wanted and gaining weight, I was trying to control my food with diets and exercise programs. I was always thinking about food—what I was eating, what I wasn’t eating, what I just ate, or what I was going to eat. I ate salty things, then wanted something sweet, then something salty again, then sweet. I took babysitting jobs based on what type of food would be in a house. I tried to hide what I’d eaten. I blamed the children I was taking care of for eating all the snacks. I remember being caught by my mom with food under my bed in high school. I just felt better if I had food around at all times. I was bordering... Continue Reading
