The people in my childhood family were great cooks. They would cook lots of food, because when they were growing up as children, there were eleven mouths to feed. I was the first maternal grandchild, so I was given 98% of what I wanted. When I was eleven, I was brought to New York to live with my mother and stepdad. My stepdad would bring me a cold treat every night when he came home from work, and my mom would tell me to have something to eat because we’d had an early dinner. It made my mom happy to know that I was eating, because I was a bit narrow in body type. I had gained many friends who, at that time, took the place of food. I actually started throwing away food so my mom would think I had eaten it. As we moved from place to place,... Continue Reading
I was so hurt and angry that I couldn’t see straight, and on top of reeling with emotion, I also felt embarrassed and cornered. Tourists passing me in the street may not have noticed anything strange. I could have been any forty-something female simply waiting for her evening companion. But the sidewalk was crowded, and as I stood outside of the Restaurant, with its large front window, I felt exposed. My eyes were swollen and red, my Kleenex had long since shrunk into soggy uselessness, and I didn’t dare leave the curb. There was no point walking to the car since my husband was still in the restaurant with the keys in his pocket. Having just slung several loud F-bombs at him in that cozy eatery, I didn’t have the nerve to re-enter. I was tired, it was 8 p.m. on a Thursday night, and I wanted a ride home,... Continue Reading
It was always my dream to be able to eat whatever I wanted, without consequence. The “consequence” I had in mind involved gaining weight. I was always taught in my family that it was a virtue, something to strive for, to be able to eat with impunity—to anything you liked and remain skinny. That was my mom’s idea of Nirvana. But for me, this doesn’t exist. When I came into FA and got a food plan, I thought it would be impossible to put down flour or sugar. But desperation was on my side, and I was willing to try anything. I told myself that I would just get through the day. I made deals with myself that I would just “try” it for one month, or one week. It was never going to be “forever.” Within maybe the first or second day, my cravings started to go away. I... Continue Reading
I always thought I was a free spirit, spontaneous, unique, unfettered by boring structure, and a person who marches to her own drummer. That may have been true, but I was also incredibly undisciplined, irresponsible, and plagued by procrastination and self-hatred for all the times I failed to follow through on my intensions. I thought that my main problem was my weight, and that if I lost it my life would straighten out. Before FA, I had injured myself many times over the years through general wear and tear, trying to haul my 255 pounds up stairs, and trying to keep up with younger, thinner, fitter friends in power walking or exercising. To get rid of the pain, I would go to various health practitioners, and they would give me exercises to do, but I was never able to follow through on these. Like many addicts, I came to believe... Continue Reading
In 11th grade I weighed 367 pounds and didn’t go to the doctor or get on a scale for years after that. For more than 30 years after high school, I tipped the scale most of the time at 335-370 pounds. Like many people, I used to start out every year making a resolution to lose weight. After a few tries, I just stopped making one. I felt that a resolution was just another thing I would fail at. I made fun of people who made New Year’s resolutions. I knew they were setting themselves up for failure as I had always done. In the past, my resolutions were downright crazy. One year I was so determined to be successful that I asked my family not to put any flour or sugar items into my Christmas stocking. Mind you, our stockings were literally five feet long and two-thirds of it... Continue Reading
